Shots PUMPED Vortex Masturbator

The Shots PUMPED Vortex Masturbator is what happens when engineers stop designing rollercoasters and start creating bedroom equipment. This handheld hurricane combines vacuum suction and sleeve rotation that'll make you forget your own postcode. With nine speed settings, it's like having a choose-your-own-adventure novel for your nether regions.

Two motors work in harmonious tandem (unlike your last relationship) to create an experience that'll leave you speechless – except perhaps for some enthusiastic noises. The 40-minute battery life is perfect (any longer might require medical attention!) Splashproof and phthalate-free, because quality matters.