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Interview with America's top sexologist

9 August 2013 3 comments

It turns out that sexologists, and loveologists, don't sit on the end of the bed and watch couples have sex whilst providing pointers and tips on how to become better lovers! I had the honour, and pleasure, of having America's leading sexologist (according to Cosmopolitan magazine in the US) Dr. Ava Cadell stay at my apartment for two nights a couple of weekends back. Dr. Ava kicked off her Australia-wide seminar series, for the Entrepreneurs' Organization, in Perth.

On the first night Dr. Ava arrived in Perth we had dinner at Nobu. Back at my apartment after dinner I enquired if she was ready to sit on the end of the bed and watch my girlfriend Trace and I have sex whilst giving us some tips. Who wouldn't want to be a better lover! Lucky for me Dr. Ava has a great sense of humour. She explained to me what a sexologist does. We then decided to do an interview. Here it is:

What exactly does a sexologist/loveologist do?

DR. AVA:

Mal, Tracey and Dr. Ava CadellMal, Tracey and Dr. Ava Cadell

Some clients are confused between a Sexologist and a Sex Surrogate so when they come in for a session, they expect to have sex with me or have me watch them have sex and rate them! I let them know that there is no nudity or sexual touching in my office. Most clients respond apologetically, but one body-builder client had the balls to ask, "Can I just masturbate in front of you then"? I could hardly keep a straight face before I said in my most stern voice, "No, absolutely not". Then he settled down and confessed that he was afraid his erections did not last long enough. I asked how long he lasted and to my surprise, he said about half an hour. A ton of young male patients come in because they want to stay erect longer without taking Viagra, Levitra or Cialis. I teach them some penis exercises (to do at home) to help them with their sexual endurance, but only after I reveal that most women don¹t want or need penetration for half an hour.

I counsel singles, couples, even triads with concerns that range from lack of communication to lack of desire, fear of having sex to fear of commitment, premature ejaculation to inability to orgasm. It's all in a day's work and a very fulfilling one I might add.

What I love about my profession is being able to save people's relationships. What is most challenging is that I can't help everyone, especially when clients say they want help, but they won't do anything to change their destructive behaviour, like the movie star client well known for his sexual compulsion who hit on me. I told him that I couldn't see him any more and referred him to a male sex therapist.

To become a Sexologist, you must first get a Bachelor's and Master's Degree. Once I had my Masters in Human Behaviour, I went to the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco to get my Doctorate in Human Sexuality and then I became certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counsellors and Therapists.

How long have you been a sexologist for?

DR. AVA:

I've been a Sexologist for 17 years and it was my destiny as I was raised with a lot of shame and guilt about sex, which lead to having unhealthy relationships. So I made it my mission to find out as much as I could about love, relationships, romance, intimacy and human sexuality.

As a Sexologist, I can be a catalyst for change by empowering people to overcome sexual guilt and shame by teaching them how to love themselves and accept their own sexuality, through my private practice, global seminars, books, instructional videos, media and my online university. I dedicate my life to helping people make love and intimacy a priority in their lives. I'm also mentoring students to become Love Coaches by sharing my vast knowledge, successes and failures so they too can become catalysts for change.

Do you practice what you preach?

DR. AVA:

I often say that my best qualification for what I do is that I married a powerful man who had never been married and I refer to my accomplishment as taming a stallion. Twenty years late, my husband still gets so excited when I come home with a new sex toy, instructional video or any kind of erotic enhancement. I am always ready, willing and able to try something new so that I can practice what I preach.

You told me your husband is twenty years older than you, has the age difference created any issues for you?

DR. AVA:

An older man has life experience, wisdom and confidence, and knows what he wants! He can communicate both openly and honestly, has fewer inhibitions and knows how to satisfy his lover. My husband, Peter looks good from head to toe, is in great shape, has physical stamina, is a great lover, so his age is irrelevant.

The age difference rarely is an issue for us. The future, however, may bring up situations like ageing health issues and lack of energy, but when you have the friendship, respect, trust, communication and passion that we have, we can overcome any obstacles that may come our way.

What are some of the most common problems you deal with in your day to day work?

DR. AVA:

Most of my clients are referred to me by their doctors, nurses, managers and even publicists, because I am able to help my clients 90% of the time with practical solutions that I have developed to help them overcome guilt, shame, inhibitions, how to communicate their desires and experience truly satisfying love lives. They get plenty of take-home value including complimentary workbooks and appropriate products. I don¹t believe in long term counselling so it's rare that I see a client more than 6 times.

Often the woman convinces her man to go for counselling because many men don't want to admit when something isn't working properly, especially when they are successful in business. I also see some clients who have fantasies that range from foot fetishes to role-playing and they just want permission from an authority.

You are known to be the sex therapist to Hollywood movie and TV stars. I've read that a few have compulsive sexual disorders. I'm intrigued, so tell me about these types of disorders.

DR. AVA:

Yes, I work with some celebrities who have a compulsive sexual disorder and can't control themselves. Below are twelve questions and if your answer ‘yes' to all of these questions, then you have the propensity towards sexual addiction and like all addictions; treatment begins by recognition that you have a problem.

  • Do you think about sex so often that it interferes with your concentration?
  • Are you obsessed with a specific sex act such as oral or anal sex?
  • Do you find your sex habits are affecting your ability to manage your life?
  • Do you feel you are entitled to have sex with whoever you want?
  • Would life have no meaning without sex?
  • Do you think that sex is the only thing that really gives you value?
  • Do you use sex as an escape from your problems?
  • Have you ever had sex with someone you didn't even like?
  • Do you keep a list of the partners you have had sex with?
  • Do you need the ‘high' that dangerous sex and the risk of being caught can promise?
  • Are you unconcerned about catching an STD?
  • Do you feel powerlessness over controlling your sexual urges?

My advice is to seek professional guidance; understand that you are destroying a family, reputation, income or career instead of denying the problem and making excuses for your actions. Don't use sex addiction as a way to cope with your stress and don't blame others for your sex addiction.

Since sex is our second basic instinct after survival, it can have a great impact on our lives even when we least expect it. I remember a woman who came to see me because she had an orgasm every time she smelled cinnamon. Sarah, a TV producer in her mid thirties, discovered under one of my hypnosis sessions that she had a traumatic sexual experience in a bakery when she was a young teen, which was why cinnamon triggered her orgasms. Through more hypnosis she was able to resist the aroma of cinnamon and control her orgasms so that she could have them at a more appropriate and suitable time. This created closure for Sarah who had involuntary orgasms for the past twenty years and had no idea what had caused them.

Last month when I was with you in LA and sitting in on a therapy session with celebrity couple Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison it was obvious there was a disparity in their sexual needs. It appeared to me it may be due to their big age difference. Do you think the age difference is going to be a greater issue for them in the future? (note in 7 years time Doug will be on the wrong side of sixty whilst Courtney will only be twenty five).How can they make sure it doesn't become an unsolvable problem?

DR. AVA:

It's obvious that Courtney and Doug have a mismatched sex drive at his time in their relationship as Courtney lives and breathes sexuality, but I think that Doug is going to have fun trying to keep up with his wife!

Chronological age can definitely have an impact on sex drive with the fluctuation in hormones, but if you keep a juicy frame of mind, there is no reason why sexual activity will diminish.

Courtney and Doug are good role models for other married couples who may have challenges yet want to maintain a passionate sex life. By them taking the Passion and Pleasure Program and sharing their experiences, they can help thousands of couples learn how to deepen their relationships and make passion a priority in their lives.

How do you think the passion and pleasure program will help people in general?

DR. AVA:

By taking the Passion and Pleasure program you¹ll learn everything you always wanted to know, but nobody ever taught you, about passion and pleasure. This affordable online program offers all the tools you need to reignite passion in your relationships, and if you already have passion, it's going to be even better!

The Passion and Pleasure Program includes classes in all areas of love and intimacy such as: Communication, Sexual Health, Reconnection, The Power of Pleasure for Men and for Women (yes it's different), Fantasy Role-playing and other juicy topics that are all available in one comprehensive program compiled of weekly modules with featured posts, video presentations, actionable play-sheets and a members' only forums.

Has there ever been such a collaboration of so many relationship coaches, sexologists and intimacy experts in the one resource?

DR. AVA:

I believe what makes the Passion and Pleasure Program so unique is the collaboration with so many resources that are all specialists in their field, within the same community. It is always beneficial and powerful to network and brainstorm with others in your field. So the alliance between you the owner of adultshop.com, and your partner and Goddess Within author Tracey Jewel, and twenty four Australian and American sexologists, educators, therapists, psychologists, authors and relationship professionals is a winning formula for this one-of-a-kind interactive online program that can improve your love life in only eight weeks. It includes video tips, homework ‘play-sheets', product lessons, and direct-access with contributors where they can ask questions and get answers for no extra charge. Never before have people had access to live online chats with so many of the worlds most renowned experts including Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus author Dr. John Gray. It's truly amazing that you and Tracey have been able to coordinate this.

You're the founder of Loveology University teaching courses to students all over the world - what was the inspiration for this and how successful has it been?

DR. AVA:

My mission is to exemplify the value of love and make a significant impact on the human race through my online Loveology University, which is a unique brand with ground-breaking programs to certify a new type of coach: the Love Coach. It is the leading interactive resource for online training and offers dozens of certified courses in all aspects of love, relationships, romance intimacy and sex. Anyone can learn how to find their soul mate, enrich their relationship and become a great lover. Most people know how to have sex, but being romantic and making love is truly an art form that can and often needs to be learned.

I have also taken on the role as mentor with motivated students who graduate as Certified Loveologists, who can coach people on the benefits of healthy love and intimacy around the globe. A Loveologist is a Love Coach you hire to help assist you with your personal development, in the area of achieving specific goals in love, dating, relationships, romance, intimacy and sexuality. Just imagine how millions of Loveologists all helping people could change the vibration of this planet!

I'm thinking of doing the Master Sexpert course you offer - how do you think I'd go?

DR. AVA:

I think that every adult should become a Certified Master Sexpert so they can become a great lover who can please their partner as well as themselves.

With your experience, my sixth sense tells me that you are already a Master Sexpert so you actually have all the all the qualifications for being an amazing Loveologist, the ultimate Love and Sex-pert! The most important quality is to be non-judgemental of others, be open to expanding your sexual horizons and want to help others to empower themselves in the bedroom...and that's how you are! So, it gives me great pleasure to offer you a scholarship to Loveology University.

Wow...simply fascinating! Dr. Ava's answers have definitely given me a lot more to think about. And I'm taking her up on her generous offer of a scholarship to her Loveology University!

I'd love to hear your views on this week's post so please comment.

Delivering passion and pleasure.

Mal

Chad 12 August 2013 at 2:30 am
I think this is a great and informative conversation. Very thorough and insightful. Keep up the important work, Dr. Ava. And thanks, Mal, for putting together the interview!
Tyler Sitch 14 August 2013 at 3:05 am
This is a great article. I have a serious fascination with sex therapy. Thank you Dr. Ava for all of this information. I am also a fan of yours.
Kayt 16 March 2014 at 4:08 pm
What an amazing woman!!
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