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Women's Orgasm Etiquette

27 November 2014 6 comments

When I recently canvassed the opinions of some of the female staff at adultshop.com in relation to what the etiquette was for women's orgasm I wasn't really surprised with their responses (nor their frowns). All believed there was no such etiquette required and that they should orgasm whenever the opportunity arose without any considerations whatsoever. I then asked a few guys at my local gym (over pre workout double espressos) what they thought about a woman's orgasm etiquette. The first two guys, who clearly had a sense of humour, responded with a question - "can women actually orgasm?" The next couple of guys were more insightful and gave me some food for thought.

My last blog post on ejaculation etiquette has proved to be my most popular post ever. Obviously this related to a man's orgasm even though some women can ejaculate (I'll discuss this later as it can be an eye opener and a very impressive 'party trick'). Given it was so popular I thought I'd tackle the topic of a woman's orgasm etiquette. Even though women don't appear to believe any such etiquette does, or should exist, I thought I'd consider it from a man's perspective.

Women's Orgasm EtiquetteWomen's Orgasm Etiquette

Let's start with expectations. Women need to acknowledge that not every time they have sex the result will be earth shattering multiple orgasms. Sometimes, for many reasons (like kids, stress, alcohol consumption, lack of time, health etc), the fireworks simply don't happen (and just like fireworks orgasms can sometimes end in 'fizzers'). Even when a woman has the ability to orgasm they don't always materialise. Whilst I don't necessarily advocate mediocrity, the acceptance that sometimes the sex is going to be 'average' can ultimately help avoid disappointment and dissatisfaction.

When couples have sex the general objective is for them to both achieve sexual satisfaction. And this is usually, although not always, centred on both having enough orgasms to satisfy them (along with intimacy, affection and the other non orgasmic pleasures that usually come with sex). Partners normally recognise the requirement for reciprocity when it comes to orgasms. Whilst I've used the term 'normally', most of us have experienced a lazy lover or a selfish lover at some stage. I believe the first etiquette rule for both partners is to recognise the importance of ensuring each other are satisfied. If either party is solely focused on their own satisfaction and orgasm then this can create resentment, frustration and even an unpleasant experience.

These days most men who possess even just a hint of chivalry will use their best endeavours to evoke at least one orgasm from their partner before they consider climaxing themselves or even before they insert their penis. And etiquette would suggest that a woman should take an active role in assisting her partner to bring her to orgasm. Men soon tire of women who expect them to do all the work!

Given the importance of reciprocity I think it's OK to ask during and after sex if your partner had a great orgasm (or multiple orgasms), if they need more orgasms and if they're content. Women should note at this juncture that men aren't mind readers. If a woman is still aroused and needs more pleasuring then she should either say so or make it clear somehow. Taking her partner's hand and guiding it where it needs to go will send him a clear message. Similarly a woman can use her hands to keep him aroused and let him know she's not done yet. Performing oral sex on him, or asking him to do it to you, sends a clear message you're still excited and you want the pleasure to continue. Whilst most men would like to think they're intuitive we don't always get it right. Assuming he genuinely wants to please you, most men will heed your call to action!

And what if a man suffers from premature ejaculation or erection problems (like sustainability)? He needs to be adept at oral sex and using his fingers to pleasure his partner. He can also consider using sex toys to assist his partner to orgasm. I'm a firm believer in sometimes using sex toys during foreplay and whilst having sex. The right sex toys can assist in women having multiple orgasms (whilst having sex with their partner). This can help alleviate performance pressure and anxiety with men. So if a man isn't hard or if he's ejaculated too soon, or if a woman simply wants to keep the fun times rolling and aim for more orgasms, then the right vibrator or toy is a must have!

Should a woman emulate the famous scene from the hit film 'When Harry Met Sally' when orgasming? Well if it's in the bedroom or behind closed doors then why not. Assuming she's doing it because she wants to do it and not because she thinks she should do it or because she's trying to impress her partner, most men like hearing, seeing and feeling a woman orgasm. Men don't expect their partners to perform like porn stars but women moaning, squealing and generally being vocal during sex are usually a turn on for a man.

Why do men like a woman who's noisy when orgasming? Maybe it's an ego stroker (yes most men want to be considered studs not duds in the bedroom). I also think they simply need some positive affirmation that whatever they're doing they're doing right. So from an etiquette perspective women should be vocal during sex if they want to be.

If a woman is caught out faking an orgasm this could have disastrous results. No man signs up for that! Given the fact that supposedly 30% of women don't orgasm during sex I can understand why those women fake it, but it's not cool nor is it warranted. I believe in the power of honesty. If a woman has never orgasmed then she's better off to tell her partner the truth rather than faking it (and she probably should consider consulting a doctor or sexologist as there are ways to remedy the issue). And if she's simply had enough and wants the man to finish what he's doing she's better off to let him know rather than faking an orgasm as a sign she's done.

For better orgasms both partners could consider tantric sex or stop/start techniques. Tantric sex removes the focus from orgasms. This, for a number of reasons, can actually heighten the orgasmic experience if one is eventually achieved. Similarly the stop/start technique (includes changing positions, tempo, how you're pleasuring each other etc) can delay orgasm for both. Because of the build up the resultant effect can be earth shattering orgasms!

I recently asked a friend of mine who's in the dating scene what her view was on orgasm etiquette for women. Between chuckles she told me how her roommate recently had a one night stand experience with a woman who "went Niagara on her... without warning". For those that don't know the meaning of the metaphor – the woman referred to is a squirter or an ejaculator. Whilst it's supposedly not a common trait amongst women, sexologists agree that all women have the potential to perform this (if they want to). It's usually achieved via g-spot stimulation. See my previous blog post on the topic. From a man's perspective it's not about whether or not a woman squirts or ejaculates, it's when, where and how she does it that's important. Etiquette would generally require a woman to let her partner know she's going to do it (assuming she has some control over it).

Subject to the volume of fluid that a woman releases when squirting, the use of special sheets or rugs should be considered (at a minimum a towel should be laid down). And if a woman is going to squirt over a man's face then the general etiquette would be to check with him that he's cool with it and also warn him (similar etiquette applies to a man if he was to consider ejaculating on a woman's face). Due to the somewhat involuntary nature of squirting (and the fact that a woman is often thrashing around when orgasming) squirt fluid can end up everywhere and anywhere (eyes, hair etc) hence the requirement for a warning (where possible) and some forethought.

When women orgasm their thought process is usually somewhat blurred and irrational (the colloquial term is they possess cum brain). Whilst most men don't mind a few friendly nips when a woman is in the throes of orgasm, they don't like being bitten hard (especially on the face). Similarly whilst most men like some playful scratching during sex they don't like finger nails being dug deep into their back or their ass. Many men have complained to me over the years that women have left them bloody from scratches inflicted whilst writhing uncontrollably during orgasm. I've often wondered whether women do this because of the intensity of their orgasm or if they do it to leave a tell tale sign for other women (it'd be hard for a man to explain the scratch marks to another woman if he was cheating).

Most of us would agree that if a couple ultimately climaxes simultaneously then this is often the most rewarding orgasm they'll both experience (it sounds like something out of a Mills and Boon romance novel). Couples however aren't always in sync and often don't climax together. And both partners need to recognise this to help avoid disappointment.

What both partners do post sex is important! Clearly neither party should slump back or roll over when they're done without consideration for their partner. Because a woman's post-orgasmic phase is much slower than a man's, she can normally continue to receive pleasure. Post his own climax a man should always check that his partner is satisfied and a woman should let him know if she's not. And now is usually the time that women need some affection. Whilst most men know that endplay is just as important as foreplay they often forget or develop lazy habits. I believe women should revel in post orgasmic pleasure however I also think they shouldn't just lay back and expect the man to initiate and facilitate the endplay. It's a two way street!

I was going to end with a comment about the sticky topic but thought better of it. I've simply expressed my own subjective views in this post. And whilst I've tried to generalise as much as possible I realise we're all different and not all of my comments will be applicable to all readers. I'm interested in hearing your views on what a woman's orgasm etiquette should be.

Delivering passion and pleasure.

Mal

Donna C 27 November 2014 at 3:06 pm
Most men I am with seem to be obsessed with making me orgasm. This puts extra pressure on me and makes it harder for me to do it. Even if I don't cum, I still REALLY enjoy the experience.
frustrated 27 November 2014 at 6:39 pm
it's similar with men if they are not able to orgasm. there is so much pressure for a man to be able to, when/if it is not happening there is an element of disappointment that is easily verbalised by the woman which makes it even more difficult in the future. it's a massive turn off. But seemingly it's ok if a woman doesn't orgasm - it must be the man's fault.
Steph9 27 November 2014 at 10:08 pm
Yes I agree with Donna, many men seem to think making a woman orgasm is the most important and occasionally the only thing, it does add pressure and makes it more difficult. Sex can be amazing without orgasming, it is the whole event not just a few seconds that matter.
SydB 22 December 2014 at 5:06 am
be yourself - lots of noise (obviously overdone) is a big turn off - most porn stars sound ridiculous - but genuine exclamations of pleasure are a big turn on...
onestopadultshop 14 January 2015 at 11:46 am
Your use of the English language horrifies and disgusts me.
Maria 28 February 2015 at 4:09 pm
whats even worse is a man whos trying to make you orgasm within 5 secs and u know hes only trying so he can get his bit in....very disappointing and does lead to me crying myself to sleep :(
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