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Why Watching Erotica with my Partner Was an Amazing Idea

11 March 2019 3 comments

Have you ever heard of the saying “Couples who play together, stay together”? Well, I’m here to disprove all the folks out there who have your best interests in mind when they tell you watching erotica is debilitating for your psyche and cataclysmic for your relationship. Sharing erotica with your loved one can actually foster a deeper level of emotional and sexual intimacy. So if you’re tired of clearing your internet history, read on.

Why Watching Erotica with my Partner Was an Amazing IdeaWhy Watching Erotica with my Partner Was an Amazing Idea

In the days of old, erotica was available only from adult shops and in the dark section of your alternative video store. If your boyfriend had a stash of X-rated videotapes/DVDs, then he was considered either a pervert or a nerd. Nowadays, adult movies are losing some of their gender-based associations, with many women actively watching erotica. My entertainment unit at home is filled with DVDs; David Attenborough documentaries and Rocco Siffredi movies being in my favourites drawer. My internet browser is bountiful with adult videos saved under my Favourites (and History) tabs. Please - like yours isn’t?! The reality is, erotica is now readily available on all our devices and oh so easily accessible - even when you’re not looking for it. As I found out the hard way when my 9-year-old spoke to our new smart TV (yes you speak to them now just like you do with Siri) and requested to see “Having a healthy body” for her school project and was presented with videos of bare-skinned bodies engaging in carnal activities. Not great!

According to Gizmodo, there are 68 million porn searches a day. A day! Approximately 7.5 billion people are inhabiting this planet (including children, homeless people and people who live in remote areas where there is no access to the internet.) So you do the math - that’s a lot of lustful viewing!

Permitting your partner to look at someone else online cannot destroy your relationship - that’s rubbish. Forbidding him/her to do so will probably bring tension into your sacred space. And let’s face it; it’s incredibly feasible that the porn will be viewed anyway - with or without you. Grant permission and you will only strengthen the openness and honesty that exist in your relationship. Deem it as something shameful - secrecy and resentment will ensue.

My partner and I have been together for some time now and whilst we are both kinksters, we pretty much know approximately (yes approximately) what the sexual repertoire will entail. This can be comforting and sexy, but there have been times when the predictability has left us both somewhat dry and listless. At such times we turn to one of our “sex aids” (not to be confused with AIDS!), one of which is watching erotica together. Seeing my partner aroused spurs an incredible fire in me; we ought not to be afraid of exploring this as it is completely natural. You can’t possibly believe that your partner will only ever find you - and you alone - attractive! A fundamental fact of human sexuality is that most of us crave variety. Watching your partner become aroused because of some hot stud in cyberspace is about as safe as it’s going to get. Reenacting scenes that we watch together is likewise incredibly tantalising. If we watch the movie as we’re being intimate it can feel as if we’re in the room with the porn king and queen - sometimes we end up going better and harder than they do and that’s always a satisfying feeling! We both love pretending to be the stars in the movies - I mean haven't you ever imagined your gynecological examination turning into something a little more interesting?! I drive him wild by texting him a video during the day when he's at work and saying “Are you game to try this with me?” It shows that I am confident within myself and what could be more provocative than a self-assured woman? To be perfectly honest, it has many times lessened my need to act out on sexual desires outside of our relationship. It is a well-known fact that couples who can be hot and heavy together, dispose of their need for extracurricular activities.

So what is this evil that lurks behind the play button?

Unfortunately, some adult movies can be degrading towards women and thus can destroy a woman’s sexual self-confidence and set ugly standards in men’s minds. Some men, and women but the majority are men, can and have become addicted to watching porn which can impact one’s relationship in a negative way. Many experts warn that a man may become desensitised to sex if he is continuously gawking at porn queens. It has also been shown that adult movies impact people's expectation of what sex ought to look like, thus some women and men feel pressured into acts they usually wouldn’t engage in.

I get all that BUT!

Under the right circumstances, watching erotica together can do wonders for your sex life. The fundamental point is in finding that ideal level of porn usage that will enhance your sex life and not take over it. Below are 5 reasons why watching erotica with your partner can be favourable for your relationship: -

1. It is a joint experience
When a couple shares something, especially a sexual experience, they are forming a stronger bond and essentially investing in the longevity of their relationship. What will bring you closer together - watching X-rated movies solo or with one another?

2. It can be inspirational
Sexual fantasy is part of a healthy sex life - all of us have fantasies one way or another. Erotica cay inspire couples to experiment a little more by adding to their sexual archives.

3. “So what do you fantasise about?”
If you choke up when asked this question, a video clip can say it for you. It can also be an easy way to learn about your partner’s fantasies or your own - some people don’t even know what turns them on. Why is this important? Because a great lover knows what they want and how to ask for it and aims to please their beau. Wouldn’t you want to be the one supreme lover who remains unsurpassed?

4. Bringing sexy back
At one point or another all long-term partners face the natural consequences that repetitive sex brings. Some bring back the gleam by going to sex clubs together, but that’s not for everyone. Watching your inner desires being acted out on screen is a safe way for tantalising arousal to be injected back into your sometimes jaded sex life.

5. It can boost your self-confidence
Instead of feeling threatened about the silicon boobed round booty girl your man is watching online, you could take this opportunity to understand that seeing your man become aroused by another woman is simply a normal biological response to an arousing stimulus. It is not about you; the porn queen is not a replacement of you - you are “enough.” I’m sure even Emily Ratajkowski’s husband fantasises about other women sometimes. Fantasy and reality are two different worlds, and you need to trust that your partner can tell the difference. Besides, sometimes the erotica we watch isn’t necessarily what we would find attractive in real life. For example, I find it arousing to watch porn stars who are freakishly well-endowed yet in real life I prefer a more “normal” sized guy. Don’t make your partner’s arousal mean anything more than it really is -he/she is not being unfaithful by viewing X-rated video clips. Once you understand this, your self-confidence will soar and you’ll feel more liberated, and your partner will feel trusted and thus empowered.

So if you are sick of secretly watching erotica on your own and changing your browser from cheatinghousewives.com to healthyrecipes.com every time your partner walks into the room, here are some tips on how to successfully incorporate erotica into your sex life: -

  • Tell your partner why you think it would be useful to watch erotica together (here’s a hint - quote the 5 reasons above);
  • Never force anyone to watch things that make them feel uncomfortable - if you’re into deep throating videos and your partner isn’t, talk about what else you’d both like to watch instead;
  • Speak up and tell your partner what your preferences are and listen without judgment to what he/she wants to add to the list - this should be a mutually pleasurable experience; and finally
  • HAVE FUN! This isn’t about psychoanalysing your mate or yourself - go with the flow and enjoy the game, for that’s all it is.

Ultimately, whether this is your thing or not will be between you and your partner. Phenomenal sex is all about feeling connected and turning to erotica in order to bring the sparkle back may be just what you’ve been looking for. Chances are you will probably end up enjoying yourselves more than the adult movie stars!

Share your stories below. We love hearing from you!

Written by Maggie May
Maggie May is a sexologist and a writer. She is a lover of all things sensual and sexual.

Xanthe 14 March 2019 at 12:35 pm
I LOVE watching porn with my boyfriend. We kind of tease each other at some of our individual preferences, but it's always lighthearted, and we usually end up being into what the other chooses. Sharing something so "private" with him, really does make me feel closer to him, and we're usually already having sex within the first ten minutes of viewing, haha. Can't recommend enough, I love it.
Sad Chris 16 March 2019 at 1:56 am
My lady friend is not in to porn I am sorry to say. She has caught me a few times viewing it and as a result we nearly broke up. I couldn’t even begin the conversation of let’s watch it together honey. To her it is equivalent to cheating well almost and it is something seedy and perverse. She doesn’t understand why I need to look at it if I am satisfied at home.
Marina G 19 March 2019 at 5:09 pm
I enjoy watching porn with my partner. I completely agree that it’s important to find something that you both enjoy and are both comfortable with. I would have any issues with my partner watching porn, it doesn’t take away from our interaction at all. It’s so true that we sometimes forget that sex is supposed to be fun and variety is a good thing, done in a respectful way of course with mutual concent. So true when you said that it’s not realistic to expect that you or your partner will only be arroused by the thought of each other for ever and ever, I agree that it’s not a realistic expectation to have. Great article Maggie
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