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Swinging – Do's and Don'ts Part 1

20 February 2014 2 comments

As a teenager, I remember hearing whispers of 'key parties'. Supposedly adult couples would attend these parties where later in the night the men would throw their car keys in the swimming pool. The women would then dive in and surface with a set of keys. Whoever the keys belonged to, was who she'd willingly have sex with. Maybe these parties were simply the figment of imagination of young teenage boys.

SwingersSwingers

And then there were spin the bottle parties. I attended a few of these as a young teenager (my mum never knew). Usually there'd be an equal number of guys and girls. We'd all have a few drinks (alcohol was pilfered from our parents' home bars) and we'd sit on the floor and spin the bottle. After spinning the bottle the person who the bottle pointed too when it stopped had to remove an item of clothing until we were all naked. There was usually a bit of kissing and fondling but nothing more. In later teenage years this game progressed beyond fondling.

The swinging sixties (1960's) was a period of free love, long hair and chilled music, often associated with pot smoking Californians. However it was really a period where social taboos were relaxed to the point of denouncement by the conservatives. Was this period the catalyst for swinging to become acceptable within western society?

Up until the late 90's swingers had to meet through swingers clubs, the personal ads in newspapers and contact magazines or maybe down at the local nudist beach. Today, with western society's relatively uninhibited attitudes towards swinging and the advent of the Internet, it's now relatively easy to meet other swingers.

In Australia there are 2 websites, redhotpie.com.au and adultmatchmaker.com.au, that cater for swingers (couples and singles). It's certainly easier to find who you're looking for compared to swinging clubs - although clubs give you the opportunity to speak with them and usually see them in the flesh (note many profiles on swinging websites don't have recent genuine photo's and some are totally fake).

Swinging isn't for everyone! A couple must be very mature in their relationship to even consider it as an option. They need to be totally honest with themselves and their partner when it comes to their expectations, feelings, emotions and experiences with swinging. And their relationship needs to be stable, as trust becomes paramount when engaging in swinging. Whilst I'm certainly not a swinging expert (I have some experience with ex-partners), I thought I'd compile a list of do's and don'ts for those of you who want to venture into its mysterious and erotic world:

Do's

  • Take the time to discuss the prospect of swinging with your partner and agree on what you both want from the experience. Also be certain that you both want to do it and for the right reasons. I know sometimes females can feel pressured. Neither partner should be, or feel, pressured to do anything they don't want to do sexually, swinging or otherwise.
  • Be confident that the experience won't damage your relationship with your partner. This is your primary responsibility and you both need to continuously reassess it and talk about the effects, positive and negative, that swinging may have on your relationship. Whilst you may develop a friendship and emotional feelings for any swinging partners, remember they're not who you're in a committed relationship with (note some couples are simply friends with benefits who need a swinging partner ie. outside of swinging together they don't have a relationship other than possibly sexual). Recognise there is potential for your relationship to go 'pear shaped' if swinging develops to a point of much more than living out sexual fantasies.
  • Respect your partner's feelings and desires. Remember the prospects of jealousy issues arising are high, particularly for inexperienced swingers. For example men can feel inadequate if their female partner doesn't stop raving about what a great or huge cock the other guy has, how good looking he is or what an awesome body he has. Similarly a female doesn't want to hear her partner go on and on about the other woman's looks or body. And she's going to have serious insecurities if you tell her how fantastic the other woman's breasts or ass are. Eagerness to a point is fine however beyond this can create problems. Fixation is potentially sexy providing it's not overwhelming.
  • Agree rules and boundaries with your partner before you engage in swinging with another couple (similar rules may apply to threesomes). If you want to consider breaking those rules during sex then you need your partner's permission ie. rather than ask for forgiveness after. There are many potential rules and they're all a function of your level of experience, what you're comfortable with and what you want from the experience. I've learnt not to judge people, as what's frowned upon by some may be normal practise for others.
  • There are many potential rules and boundaries to consider before you engage in sex however common ones cover things like kissing, any penetrative sex, anal sex, oral sex, use of fingers inside of someone, hair pulling, light or hard B&D, hickeys (love bites), use of sex toys, whispering, use of language during sex, safe sex, ejaculation (where) etc.
  • Prior to engaging in sex with another couple do agree on a 'safe' word or action if either of you want to call time out or a stop to the proceedings. Similarly if you're not happy with something that's happening speak up at your earliest opportunity rather than let the situation get out of hand.
  • Let the other couple know what your boundaries are and ask what theirs are. Try not to judge if theirs are more liberal than yours. Remember the 'different strokes for different folks' logic.
  • Openly discuss with the other couple what you like sexually and what they like sexually. Also discuss what you're looking for in the experience and also listen to what they're hoping for. You need to know what turns them on and off and likewise they need to know the same about you.
  • Be open-minded! Now is your chance to live out your sexual fantasies so throw away your inhibitions and go for it (assuming both you, your partner and the other couple have agreed what you want to try).
  • If you have a profile on a swingers website you need to ensure it accurately reflects what you look like, your age (without stretching the truth too far), your body shape, what you want and who you'd like to meet. The better 'selection criteria' you apply the less time wasting you'll have and the more closely matched the people who contact you will be. And ensure any photos are recent and are not some pics from years ago when you competed in a bikini or body building comp.
  • Prior to meeting anyone from a website try to find out as much information as possible about them, and provide them with as much information about yourselves, to avoid disappointment (for them as well as you). Consider speaking over the phone or connecting with a web cam over Skype before you meet. Skype'ing before you meet is a sure way of weeding out the fakes. Remember you don't want to waste a Friday or Saturday night having to endure someone's company over dinner or drinks if you simply don't click with them. Meeting for a dinner is a great first 'date' with another couple. If you're not 100% sure if you're going to like a couple, then rather than plan a dinner as your first meeting, consider an afternoon coffee or a quick drink at a bar (I suggest not your regular haunt).
  • Do agree with the other couple that the first date won't result in sex after. Ideally you should meet at a restaurant not frequented by your close friends, particularly if you're trying to be discrete with your extra-curricular activities. Agreeing dinner only, is the best way to avoid any awkwardness after ie. who's home to go back to or whatever. If you're obviously all getting on fantastically then you could always give them a few hints that you're willing to break the 'no sex on the first date' rule.
  • Discuss and agree where you will meet for your sexual adventure. Some couples don't like the idea of playing with another couple in their own bedroom and would rather play in a spare room. Others have children so would rather play at the other couples home or perhaps somewhere neutral like a hotel. Hotels can definitely increase the 'naughtiness' of the situation as both couples are usually far more relaxed.
  • Safe sex should be mandatory! In situations where you've played with a couple a number of times and you're 100% certain they're not having unprotected sex with others then perhaps it's ok to skip the protection. Remember however that people you swing with may not always tell you the whole truth.
  • Be aware that the first time you have sex with another couple it may be disastrous or not as good as you hoped (of course it's more than likely going to be sensational). Sex usually gets better after a few encounters with the same couple. It's hard to secure a 'connection' the very first time you have sex with someone. Note it's not like dating as a single where you may have many dates and get to know each other before you have sex. All four of you will probably have some sort of anxieties and these are more intricate and complicated than in a normal sexual situation between two people. For men the anxieties are normally increased as they're generally expected to perform like a 'stud'. As we've all experienced, anxieties can cause erection problems for some men.
  • Normally couples would swap partners during the session and they'd also have sex with each other. Forgetting to also pleasure your partner can create issues so keep this in mind when playing. No one wants to be the 'fourth wheel' sitting on the corner of the bed receiving no attention.
  • Remember everyone should orgasm at least once (women ideally many more times). Ideally all participants should feel sexually satisfied when it's time to leave. Men are normally expected to be the last to orgasm and they should orgasm close to the same time as each other (unless again they have the ability to have multiple orgasms). Everything seems such a great idea until you orgasm then generally people want to go back to their own lives.
  • If you're considering meeting up with the couple again then take the time to tell them after what you loved and what you weren't as keen on. This will assist in ensuring next time is even better if you meet again for more sexual adventures.
  • Note the different vectors! Women who participate in swinging with their partner are often bi whereas the male generally isn't. This means there are added complications when it comes to the dynamics of swinging with another couple. Usually the women have to be sexually attracted to each other as well as the other man. Men however have to feel comfortable with the other guy and not think he's a dickhead for instance. Similarly he needs to feel non threatened by the other guy. And he has to be ok with the possibility of crossing swords (so to speak) without freaking out. Male ego's sometimes need reigning in before the chemistry between the two couples can start flowing.
  • Do keep your sexual experiences with other couples very discrete! Seasoned swingers know this is mandatory practice, however newbies are often the ones who want to brag about who they've played with. If you're taking photos or videos of the event then ensure you only share them amongst the participants not others.
  • A BIG must is a debrief after! This is the time to speak alone with your partner (guys note that women usually need extra affection and words of endearment from you at this point). They want to know that you're still in love with them (assuming you're not just fuck buddies who are a couple for the purpose of swinging with other couples). You both need to be totally honest with each other in regard to what you liked about the experience and what you disliked. And you need to discuss whether or not you'd swing again and if so whether or not you'd do it again with the same couple. The debriefing itself can be VERY exciting and a huge turn on. Some of the best sex you'll have with your partner is during or straight after the debriefing!
  • Re-live the adventures by talking them through with your partner in the nights after (although I suggest you don't bring it up every time you have 'normal' sex together). Reviewing pics and/or video of the event is a great way to re-live the experience. Again it's a huge turn on that usually results in awesome sex afterwards.
  • Some couples like the idea of saving the next day for some together time rather than doing back to back swinging sessions. At least discuss this with your partner before booking more action the following night.

Remember swinging can be a very liberating sexual experience. If you find the right partner who enjoys it as much as you, who you trust and if it doesn't cause issues between the two of you, then I believe it can make your relationship stronger. If it starts to cause issues then talk them through and if you can't resolve them then forget swinging as it's not for you both.

I'm currently writing this blog on a flight to Melbourne where I'm visiting Calvista, Australia and NZ's largest sex toy wholesaler, of which I'm still managing director and the major shareholder of. I've had a few interested Qantas hosties looking over my shoulder whilst I'm typing. We've just landed and I've now ran out of time to write the "Don'ts", so I'll do this as next week's blog post.

As always I'd like to hear your comments.

Delivering passion and pleasure.

Mal

La toxique 23 February 2014 at 9:04 pm
Ditto o it all Mal. I am a semi experienced swinger and you nailed it! I can see the why things didn't work with my ex and also the reasons we still gravitate together for more swing encounters. Keenly awaiting your next blog x
craig an amy 26 February 2014 at 12:24 pm
All very true the wife and I went to a swing party it was great both had a fantastic time everyone was so nice. Has really increased our sex life
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