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Their Sexual History

11 September 2014 9 comments

Very late at night a few years ago, whilst roaming the infamous red-light district of Amsterdam, I found myself staring incredulously into the eyes of an attractive prostitute who was in her early forties. We'd just had a long discussion about how many men she'd had sex with and I was wondering how she would explain her sexual history to any potential husband.

Do we really need to know?Do we really need to know?

She'd nonchalantly told me that she'd been working as a prostitute in Amsterdam for 20 years. She worked 50 weeks a year, 6 days a week, 12 hours a day and 'serviced' 2 or 3 men every hour. Even in my inebriated state I was able to do some quick mental calculations, concluding she'd slept with over 150,000 men (note she told me they were generally tourists so were mostly one offs rather than regular clients/Johns). Whilst she was extremely provocative and presented quite a compelling sales pitch I wasn't there to engage her services and I told her so. She was then happy to simply have a chat with me, especially when I told her that I owned adultshop.com.

We both had a chuckle when I arrived at the figure of at least 150,000 different men that she'd pleasured. I suggested the number had far too many zero's to consider including it an advertisement on a small A frame sign out the front of her 'cabin' (from memory there are rows and rows of these cabins/rooms and they're less than 2 metres wide and not much longer in length). We also debated about whether the number would impress guys walking past or whether it would dissuade them from entering her den of illicit pleasures. Imagine the ad – I've slept with over 150,000 guys... do you want to be next?

The conclusion we both agreed upon was; yes it would probably impress most would-be John's, but it wouldn't impress many potential husbands (note she'd told me that she was almost ready to retire, find a man to marry and have kids with if it wasn't too late). I remember telling her that post retirement she probably shouldn't tell any man she saw as possible husband material about her sexual past. And I also told her if somehow or rather she did decide to be honest and forthright then she should perhaps lie about how long she was a sex worker for and ultimately how many guys she had slept with. I believe even the most broadminded guy, who had the least amount of insecurities (and thus jealousy issues), would struggle with the palatability of her sexual past.

In much of the world today the concept of sexual double standards is prevalent! Most men believe it's totally acceptable for them to have many different sexual partners over their lifetime however they disrespect women who've had many sexual partners. And they ultimately want a girlfriend or wife who has had a very small number of sexual partners prior to meeting them. Younger guys can often have a scorecard, or tally sheet, that they constantly discuss and compare with their male friends. They often boast about who and how many women they've slept with. In contrast when women discuss 'numbers' with each other I'm sure many women try to suppress the number of men they've slept with unless they're telling their most trusted confidants.

Why do such double standards exist when it comes to a person's sexual history? And why is a man considered to be a 'stud' (by other men) if he has slept with a lot of women, where in contrast a woman may often be considered promiscuous and potentially a 'slut' if she's slept with a lot of men? I'm sure many women seethe at the thought of this perception.

Not long back I was at a dinner party of a dozen or so close friends when one of the men piped up that he was "a bit too big for his wife". She was sitting alongside of him and responded loudly that he wasn't too big and in fact he was just the right fit for her. His next comment, in an almost pleading tone was; "no honey... surely I'm too big for you". Her final comment on the matter floored him; "no... I've had too big and it was really painful and I didn't enjoy it. His cock was massive!" For the rest of the night he was rather subdued given her dinner party revelations.

I discussed the matter with him a few weeks later. After dinner he and his wife had argued about the issue. He knew that he shouldn't have argued with her and that he shouldn't have felt so bad about her revelation. Unfortunately he was particularly upset that she'd divulged the information at the dinner party in front of others. This probably hurt him the most. Whilst I empathized with him at the time I did appear to convince him that her sexual past was mostly irrelevant and it was the current and the future that he should be focusing on. Unfortunately many men have insecurities in relation to the size of their manhood. No matter how well endowed they are, or not, they'd often rather be bigger. It's simply human nature. And it's this insecurity that can be the catalyst for men to question a woman's sexual history.

Not all men have insecurities in relation to the size of their penis however they're often still intrigued by a women's sexual history and I'm not sure why this is. Perhaps it's an ego thing or maybe they just want to feel special rather than one of many men who've enjoyed the pleasure of her sexually. And I'm not sure why a woman wants to know a man's sexual past. Do they have insecurities, like some men do, that need to be addressed? Is a person's sexual past really relevant? Potentially, but conversely it equally could have no bearing on current or future relationships.

Gaining an insight into a person's past might help a person understand their partner's values and levels of morals. It's quite possible however that these could change over time (although some may argue 'a leopard will never change their spots'... particularly when it comes to cheaters). Ultimately we do need to acknowledge that adults can and do make bad choices in life.

What's the right approach when the person you've been dating or having sex with for a while asks you about your sexual history? Should you be honest and divulge everything, or answer like a politician (use a lot of fluff and smoke and mirrors but don't really answer the question)? Perhaps you should limit your answers, or give the most 'appropriate answer', to appease them? No one really wants to hurt a partner when they're asked a question about their sexual history.

The first time I had sex with an ex girlfriend years ago she performed like a porn star. Lying in bed later I asked her the question how many guys had she slept with. She responded with "why does every guy ask me that". And she over emphasized the term 'every guy'. I never asked her any more questions thereafter.

Most men generally don't want to hear that a woman who they're involved with emotionally has had many sexual partners, group sex or threesome's with two men, well hung men, men that have pleasured them all day and night, men who've given them multiple orgasms continuously or that they've lived out all their wildest sexual fantasises. They'd prefer to hear that there haven't been many men before them and that of course they're the best they've ever had (they like their ego's stroked... sigh).

Similarly most women don't want to hear that a man has had many sexual partners, or that he's previously engaged in group sex, has had threesome's with two women, has ex's who have insatiable sexual appetites and have given him multiple orgasms, have the perfect bodies or who would do things to him that she wouldn't dream of.

Do we want to hear that someone we're in a relationship with and care about has had one night stands? Does that give us an insight into their character or morality? Should it matter if they've had one night stands with someone they've picked up at a bar? Maybe they were younger and approached sex and relationships with reckless abandon. Or maybe they were going through a difficult stage of their life and weren't looking for long term commitment. We probably shouldn't judge, although we usually do.

Do women ask questions about a man's sexual past in an attempt to determine whether or not he's prepared for commitment? Generally women don't want to get emotionally involved with a 'player' who isn't interested in any long term relationship. If a man brags to a woman that he's slept with many women (note I'm not sure what number would be deemed many) then this I assume would ring alarm bells for most women particularly if she's concerned about her 'biological clock' ticking down. If however she was only looking for some sexual fun then it's probably not an issue.

What about when we pose the question of whether or not they've ever cheated on a partner in the past? I'm not sure if we're going to get an honest answer from someone who has previously cheated. Given adults often make mistakes should we simply cut them some slack if it was in the past? So long as they don't cheat on you is all that really should matter to most people. You would hope that people learn from mistakes and move on leaving them a better person. Others however may continue their deceitful ways and are likely to 'reoffend'. I think it would be good to know if your partner has cheated in the past as it could help you determine the probability of them cheating again.

At what level of questioning of your sexual past by your partner do you throw your hands up and say "please no more questions"? What if your partner starts asking you questions like any fetishes and fantasies you may have, whether or not you've tried group sex, whether or not you've engaged in anal sex and if you liked it or not, have you used sex toys, do you like watching porn and if so what type, do you have an infatuation with well hung men or big breasted women, did your ex squirt when she orgasmed, did he insist you swallow his ejaculate and did you like it, etc? You might take the view that you should answer any question they have to ensure total transparency however there is a risk that some harm may be done with such honesty.

Should it be an issue if you find out your partner who you're now emotionally involved with has slept with someone you know? What if they've slept with a number of people you know? I can see how it could cause jealousy issues, insecurities and mixed emotions. You might say that the mature approach is that their sexual past really shouldn't matter however to some people it does.

Does it really matter when, who with and how your partner lost their virginity? In some circumstances I can see how it may be something you'd like to know and then of course there are situations that you might not want to know.

So where do we draw the line when asked these types of questions about our sexual past and what questions do we ask someone that we're in a relationship with? I don't know the answers. Whilst you would expect your partner to be honest in their answers I'm quite sure they're probably not always going to be. Would you give honest answers to all questions asked about your sexual past? Is it any of their business? You might say it's none of their business and perhaps it's not. I think questions pertaining to sexually transmitted infections should be answered honestly. And also those questions in relation to abortions ideally should be answered honestly. However I can see scope for either avoiding answering these questions or not telling the whole truth.

I've thrown up more questions than answers in this post as I don't have all the answers. It's a controversial topic that I'm sure is hotly debated regularly. If you have a point of view you'd like to share please give me your feedback.

Delivering passion and pleasure.

Mal

Rockstar 11 September 2014 at 3:56 pm
I told my current partner about my work as a pro about five years ago. He had just shared the fact that his ex was a stripper. I hadn't work as a pro for eight years. Unfortunately for me, he went and told all of his family giving them all the wrong impression of me as it was our first date and I hadn't met them yet. He still brings up the notion that 'ive slept with most of perth' which isn't true. Pisses me off because its a derogatory term and I suppose he feels like nothing is new but we have the best sex life with me cunning at least 90% of the time.
ulfric 11 September 2014 at 4:29 pm
"Well, see, if a key can open lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock can be opened by lots of keys, then it's a bad lock." this is the best reason ive heard, no offence to anyone but i believe a man must be either very fit, very good looking, very rich or have a lot of charm to sleep with a high number of women.whereas even the ugliest of women can can get laid every night in a nightclub.... its easy for them.That is why it is accepted as an achievement for man but not woman.
Bruin Callipari 11 September 2014 at 5:20 pm
Walking and Chatting while Crossing by the road with my youngest famous Sister - the next one up from me about my experiences with Men, as I was used to doing when raised in an family made up of Sisters & a born homosexual; I made the mistake of thinking Girl to girl-like* and blurted out how much overly endowed one of my dates on my Adult Years of travels had been...What a porn star...# once you get a taste for real cock (you know what they say) you can never go back; As is for Black.I can't say if she was very pleased to hear it, because ever since for at least 20 years now she has bore an unspoken grudge against me out of her belief that I didn't deserve being truly popular with those undefinable Men! It turns out she thought of me as the biggest slag out, although I've never even been paid for sex my whole life however came very close to being involved with "S.W.O.P."**
hansy 11 September 2014 at 6:45 pm
I think information should be shared when it's relevant to a topic your discussing. I don't think you should have to report your entire sexual history because that's weird and shows theý're insecure. Really deep down I don't think either party wants to hear about that time it was better, so use common sense and judge how well your partner is going to receive your sexual history. Ask no questions tell no lies?Oh yeah woman can get sex easier than guys but having standards is sexy on both males and females. As a woman I certainly don't want to sleep with a slut even though its a guy it's a turn off for us women too.
Wodanson 12 September 2014 at 7:16 am
Be economical with the truth and tell them only as much as they need to know.
Wodanson 12 September 2014 at 7:17 am
No offence intended, but he sounds like a tool. Could you do better?
Pixie O'Malley 15 September 2014 at 2:07 pm
Having recently semi-retired from life as a working girl (im 26), I often wonder what, how, who, to share this with.I tend to think they have a right to know, and better they hear it from me than find out by accident (although my collection of hooker clothes and stainless steel but plugs should give it away! Haha)...However most men balk, and even if they don't initially, after some time (once they develop feelings) they start feeling weird about it and things fall apart.Also the men that use it as an excuse for their bad behaviour is unfortunate. Most recent example, I took on a weekend of working, told the guy I was seeing at the time so I was honest. Later found out he cheated on me (because he didn't tell me, if he had have told me it would be ok), and his excuse? "Well you took those jobs on." "Yes but I TOLD you. FIRST. So we could talk about it." In his head? He was totally justified in what he did...After 18months (yes that's the honest answer) of sex work, sleeping with about 180 men before hooking and God knows how many since, I still don't understand men!Maybe you're not meant to - not meant to tame the beast, just admire it... Who knows!xxPix
old friend 16 September 2014 at 10:45 am
What if you already know a partners past. Can you know to much I'm with someone I've known for 30 we know each others partners& a lot of what went on in each others relationships have cried on each others shoulder over the years. He has had several girl friends over the years is happy to talk about what he's done. I know I shouldn't worry but it is awkward when I see 1 of his old girl friends Do we know each other to well why havent we got together sooner. Should we have stayed friends only time will tell think its to late to ask I guess we'll see I try not to think about what I knew & what I know he knows. As for how much you tell Hopefully by the someone asks you know them well enough to know how much they really want to know & how much they can handle without getting upset or hurt
fairie1983 17 September 2014 at 3:30 pm
I agree ^^
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