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Selfish lover?

24 April 2014 8 comments

Years ago, I had a girlfriend who just laid there in bed waiting for me to turn her on without reciprocating. After debating with myself afterwards, I was often left confused as to whether or not she was really into me, whether she was stone cold frigid or just inexperienced in the art of pleasure. She was certainly affectionate – until we were naked. For the first few months of seeing each other I'm not sure if she realised I even had a cock as she never touched it. I could have in fact been inserting a vibrator or wearing a strap on dong for all she knew.

Selfish lover?Selfish lover?

At the time I was in my early twenties doing exploration surveys in the remote North West (living in a 2 man tent) where I was away from home for usually 4-6 weeks at a time. And of course I couldn't wait to see my girlfriend when I came home. Crunch time in our relationship came when on the night of coming home from a bush trip we went to bed and again she laid on her back expecting me to get her in the mood for sex. After kissing, caressing and the usual foreplay (on my behalf) I struggled to get an erection. What should have been a night of multiple orgasms all round ended unspectacularly with us both falling asleep early. In the morning I told her we were breaking up.

I remember it was a difficult decision to break up with her as she was attractive, intelligent and fun but the lack of spark in the bedroom was a deal breaker for me. Given I'm more mature now I realise that I didn't handle the situation too well. I never brought the problem up with her so we never discussed it. Big mistake! If you surveyed adults and asked them one question being: what is the basis for a good long term relationship? – most would respond with honesty and communication. As easy as it sounds communication is something that many couples don't do well. I was certainly guilty of it in my younger years!

Years later I met a lady who also didn't reciprocate (at all) when it came to foreplay. Again I could have been wearing a strap on dong and she wouldn't have known as she never touched me below the waist. She expected me to turn her on to the point she was 'ready for me' and then she expected me to 'climb aboard' to pleasure her. The first few times we had sex she focused on having as many orgasms as she could, whilst I didn't always orgasm as I was so concerned about pleasuring her (whilst it may seem chivalrous it was rather foolish of me). The fact that I didn't orgasm sometimes didn't seem to bother her. This time I wised up by speaking up rather than breaking up.

It turned out that she was simply not confident when it came to sex. She had low self-esteem and body issues (sigh...she certainly had nothing to worry about in my opinion). These types of issues don't go away over night nor are they resolved after a few discussions. It took months of perseverance, encouragement and positive reinforcement for her to change and come out of her shell. Our sex life blossomed as a result!

Looking back now there have been times when I've thought I've been with a selfish lover. Maybe they were just that. Maybe all they cared about was self gratification. Conversely perhaps they were shy, intimidated, lacked confidence, had low self-esteem, had body image issues, felt inadequate in some way or were dealing with other negative issues. Unfortunately not everyone is open and honest when it comes to discussing issues. Drawing out of someone what a problem is often isn't easy. Dealing with it is sometimes even harder!

Are you a selfish lover? I'm sure no one would want to ever admit they're a selfish lover and if they were to admit it then I'm quite sure they wouldn't want to change a thing. If a guy was to ask himself this question, and then conclude that yes he was a selfish lover, he's really not going to care at all. If he's well hung then he probably thinks it's all about the cock. It's rarely all about the cock; however some guys take a while to work this out.

Are you in a relationship with a selfish lover? Does he for instance expect you to give him mind blowing head but he won't return the favour? If so what can you do about it? If you think the relationship is worth it then you need to discuss it with them and hopefully get them to change (give it some time though). Without change you'll soon tire of the monotony of sex with a selfish lover. You might even start having self doubts – questioning whether you might be doing something wrong, whether he's really attracted to you or whether or not you have a good emotional connection. It's potentially a destructive situation that if left unabated for too long could have dire consequences. Whilst it may seem harsh my view is that if you've discussed your partner's selfishness and things don't eventually change then you need to make the hard decision to throw in the towel. We have enough problems in life without dealing with issues like this (for too long).

Everyone wants a healthy sex life. Whilst it's not necessarily the prerequisite for a great relationship it's certainly an integral component. And having a healthy sex life starts with finding the right partner – one that's not selfish but someone who gives as well as takes.

If you have any experiences of selfish lovers please share. I'm interested to hear how other people deal with them.

I've now been writing my blog for a year and I'm enjoying it. As I'm always looking for inspiration on topics to write about if you have any ideas then please pass them onto me.

Delivering passion and pleasure.


Bee 24 April 2014 at 12:19 pm
Yep , I have been with plenty of men that think it's all about the cock and plenty of men also won't do oral sex . I've discussed this with lots of honest friends and they all have said the same thing - that lots of guys just " don't do it " . Of course every friend I've ever discussed this with does give their partner head though - so what is the problem ? Women always get embarressed and think it's because there is something "wrong" with them , or because maybe they smell - but even as fresh as being out of the shower.. still all my friends said they had had quite a few partners that wouldn't do it ... But expect a head job . Double standards !
Donna C 24 April 2014 at 12:59 pm
I think that a lot of guys don't know how to do it properly and are embarrassed to try.
anon 24 April 2014 at 1:28 pm
A previous partner of mine was exactly the same, all about the large cock and worship of it. He used to reciprocate sporadically early on in the relationship but would get annoyed that I didn't instantly orgasm from his oral techniques and flat out refused to take any constructive criticism, taking it personally, to the point where he stopped doing it and refused to even discuss it again! He even said to me, there's nothing wrong with my technique, its worked on every other woman i've been with!
The AnonyMoose 24 April 2014 at 3:13 pm
A lot of it is going to do with the guy and their mindset. Personally, I'm probably what you'd call an unselfish lover - for me sex is mostly emotional, and I get the most satisfaction from making sure the girl I'm with feels amazing. I've been with my current partner for just over a year now, and in that time I've probably given her head two or three times as much as she's given it to me. It's not because she doesn't do it; I just like variety in the bedroom, so after a few other positions sometimes I'll start heading down that way.Actually, I have a fairly strong mint in my mouth while I do it. It's something we tried after seeing it mentioned on a show, and apparently it provides a cool, tingly sensation. And while my partner hasn't had any offensive odors yet, it may help guys who are with someone with a bit of a stronger smell/taste.
Miss C 25 April 2014 at 1:25 pm
My partner never starts it off. I always come onto him, and then after a while of me playing with him he will sometimes play with me for a bit but most of the time he just sticks it in. Like you said, it makes me feel like maybe he's no longer attracted to me. I'm afraid that if I don't start it off that we'd never have sex. I offer him head jobs but I never get anything back, not even when I ask. Sometimes he declines the offers which makes me feel even more like he's not attracted to me, or maybe I just don't do a good job. It never use to be like this, we've only been together just over a year n a half :(
eva 26 April 2014 at 9:43 am
Ive been seeing a 48 aged well hung man for about 4 months who does think its all about the cock. His version of foreplay is a two minute kiss and giving him head, followed by sex in two positions then him masturbating to home base. Im at the crossroads but he's one with an outlook that you can't teach a dog new tricks.
Kate 28 April 2014 at 5:08 pm
I have had a particularly awful experience! I was always the kind of person that believed in tit for tat :) And always used top enjoy going down on my guy that was until I was with a guy with very bad hygiene! His penis used to give off the most off putting smell and I couldn't bear going down there. We ended up breaking up...boys make sure if you're expecting some oral loving to keep nice and clean!!
anon 14 November 2014 at 12:29 pm
my hubby is quite poorly in the foreplay department...thinks kissing and sucking my nipples is all I need and when he does go down on me he does such a bad job at it I just don't let him do it anymore. and its not a matter of me teaching him what I like because there was a stage a few years ago he was doing it perfectly! I often tell him what he needs to do, what I want but he just doesn't deliver. introducing new and different toys is helping the foreplay situation thankfully otherwise I'd be going without :(
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