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Introducing Sex Toys into your relationship

26 February 2015 7 comments

Imagine the surprise of a naive 21 year old woman who unwrapped a Xmas present and realised it was her first vibrator? This is how Mia, our Sales Manager at adultshop.com, was introduced to sex toys. At the time she was shocked and confused. Her first thought after opening her gift was that her husband didn't want to have sex with her anymore. And she dreaded answering the questions from her parents and friends as to what she'd received for Xmas. Fast forward two decades – what's changed?

Introducing Sex ToysIntroducing Sex Toys

Even though novels and films like Fifty Shades of Grey have made sex toys more mainstream the fact is introducing sex toys to a relationship can still be an awkward and sensitive situation. Communication is obviously paramount meaning that Mia's husband was taking a gamble with his non-consultative approach. In this case, after many discussions on why he bought her the vibrator, their sex life blossomed as did their relationship. Unless a couple have already discussed the prospect of introducing sex toys to the bedroom I generally don't suggest taking this path to discovering new ways of pleasuring each other.

How soon is too soon to suggest sex toys might be a great addition to your sex life? Clearly raising the topic on a first date is probably not a good idea. Maybe it's a few weeks, or even months, after a couple have been intimate with each other that they consider discussing sex toys although in some cases there may never be a good time. Ideally couples need to feel comfortable sexually with each other, be emotionally connected and they need to have developed a significant level of trust in and out of the bedroom. It's also imperative they're open minded and willing to consider testing new sexual boundaries. Some relationships take longer than others to get to this point.

Repetition can lead to mediocre sex, and no one wants this. Ideally we all need to be proactive in ensuring our sex lives don't drift into routine and thus boring. Sex toys are a way to spice things up and bring couples closer together. They should be seen as an adjunct and a way of enhancing your sex life. They're not a replacement and nor should they be conveyed as essential. It's imperative that you're able to articulate why you want to introduce a sex toy (yes maybe just start with one) into your sex life.

A few months ago I had the wife of a close friend of mine message me requesting that I arrange her first vibrator for her. She hadn't discussed this with her husband. At a lunch not long thereafter I handed my friend a bag and asked him to give it to his wife. I told him she'd asked me to organise the toy for her and he responded with "it better not be bigger than me". Whilst it wasn't bigger than him I did explain to him over lunch that it wouldn't have mattered if it was. Unfortunately he was concerned that if it was bigger than him then she'd prefer to use the toy leaving him feeling inadequate... sigh. I've had this conversation with many men over the years – so what if a vibrator or dildo is bigger than their penis. It doesn't mean that a woman is then going to desire the toy more than him. Given men often fear a toy is going to replace them, because it's bigger or it vibrates or it stays hard or whatever, it means that it's important for women to allay their fears. A woman can do this by praising his efforts in the bedroom and reassuring him that he's a great lover - before the introduction of sex toys and whilst using them. Stroking a man's ego is a confidence booster for them.

Another way to allay a man's fears of being replaced in the bedroom is to start off with something small like a bullet (a clitoral stimulator) ie. it's usually not inserted. Apart from being a clitoral stimulator they can also be used on a man's testicles and his perennial area (underneath his testicles). Of course women can use bullets for solo play but they're also great for couples to play with together. They can be used as part of foreplay or during the main event. Given only about 30% of women can orgasm with penetrative sex many women need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm – and a clitoral orgasm is different and often more powerful. In certain sexual positions a couple is able to have penetrative sex whilst a woman stimulates her clitoris with a toy like a bullet. Apart from the extra pleasure it provides a woman it can be great visual stimulation for a man seeing a woman using a toy on herself. Savvy men appreciate that sex toys can help minimise their performance pressure. Anxieties men develop when trying to please their partner can sometimes destroy the moment (and their erections), so any assistance with helping her orgasm is usually welcomed. With the right toys women can have multiple orgasms!

Other introductory toys I'd recommend are vibrating cock rings or a we-vibe. In certain sex positions vibrating cock rings can stimulate the clitoris and a penis simultaneously. And they're great for ensuring a man stays hard! The we-vibe is small; part of it is inserted whilst the other part is centred over the clitoris providing stimulation to both the clitoris and g-spot. And a couple can have penetrative sex whilst using the we-vibe. No man should ever feel vulnerable if a woman uses a we-vibe with or without him.

Remote control toys (like the eggs and also the We-Vibe 4 Plus) are also great introductory sex toys particularly if the man is given the remote control. They can make a man feel like he's pleasuring a woman rather than the toy itself. And when a man feels he has an integral role to play in bringing a woman to orgasm this can be very satisfying for both of them.

When suggesting the use of sex toys for the first time a woman can, at the right time, actually get away with conveniently having her own favourite vibrator handy (maybe not a huge dong). There's never a right time however for a man to have an array of toys on hand that he's used on other women. Men should note this is a serious mistake! Any sex toys men bring to a new relationship need to be new!

Ideally any sex toys introduced into a new relationship should be selected by both parties. I suggest venturing into an adult store and looking at different types. Whilst walking through the store ask your partner what they think about them (note they might not always be honest at this juncture although you'd hope they are). Reactions from partners should be noted particularly if they're negative towards some toys (like anal for instance). Assuming both partners are comfortable discussing sex toys the best thing to do is to enquire with staff as to what toys they recommend. If you're not comfortable shopping in-store then try looking at products online together. And if you're not sure you can always email customer service to ask their opinion on products.

A problem men often have with sex toys is they fear they'll either become redundant or left out of the action. And whilst men generally like the idea of watching a woman pleasure herself with a toy they ultimately want to join in the action. I suppose it's no different to a threesome - one partner doesn't want to be left twiddling their thumbs on the end of the bed whilst the other is giving or receiving pleasure. Again a woman needs to reassure her man that sex toys are a way of enhancing their sex life and not replacing him. And similarly a man also needs to reassure her that he still wants to have sex with her.

Whilst bondage and discipline (light or otherwise) can be scary for some women, many women see it as sexy not weird although it's a subject that needs to be discussed, or tested, before trying. Similarly if you're considering anal sex then women generally don't like surprises – it's easier to ask for permission rather than forgiveness. And if it's something you're both willing to try then I suggest you use lube and toys as a way of preparation. Butt plugs and anal beads are usually much smaller than a penis making them ideal for acquainting a woman with the pleasures of anal sex. Men should note that women may suggest they use such toys on them (citing the supposition that what's good for the goose is also good for the gander). A man's P-spot (P for pleasure) is located a couple of inches inside his anus. And pegging (a woman anally penetrating a man with a strap-on dildo in order to stimulate his P-spot) is gaining in popularity!

Don't forget there are various sex toys available for men. Male masturbation aides like the Fleshlight are big sellers. It turns out that some women like to watch a man masturbate!

Every now and then I hear stories from our retail staff at adultshop.com that leave me perplexed. We often have requests for even bigger dildos than what we have available (we have ridiculously huge ones that could be used as door stoppers). And apparently it's not uncommon for someone to buy a blow-up doll to take home for a threesome with their partner. I certainly hope these aren't being used as introductory sex toys!

With the right introduction and the right sex toy I can almost guarantee that couples will not only have more fun in the bedroom but they'll also significantly heighten their sexual experiences together.

Delivering passion and pleasure.

Mal

Cranium59 26 February 2015 at 3:07 pm
Another brilliant blog. Very important messages and yes, I enjoy watching my wife use her rabbit vibrator before making love to her.
peter59 26 February 2015 at 7:52 pm
yes cranium59, vibrators certainly do add to everyone's enjoyment. and there is a lot of fun to be had trying different shapes and sizes.
Kris 28 February 2015 at 12:28 pm
Toys are great fun, with or without your partner. Oh and yes, new relationships definitely require new toys, ewwww!
Tayla 2 March 2015 at 4:14 pm
We Vibe 4 was the best introductory toy to my relationship. I had one sex toy prior to this and this was a vibrator to for him to use on me. The We Vibe was great as a couples toy during sex but also for a bit of fun while I have it in and he is controlling the remote.
Chelle 14 March 2015 at 10:31 am
I think that if a guy was anxious about me using a sex toy, then it's entirely possible that he has an underlying insecurity issue, which would worry me in terms of how far that would extend into other areas of our relationship. My motto is, if you want to date me, you also have to date my treasure chest of toys, haha!!! Luckily as I am an Adultshop.com employee, this is unlikely to surprise any future partners so by virtue of my job, I get a bit of a free pass in this area. Good luck to all the lovely people out there that are getting ready to tentatively introduce sex toys into their relationship, you'll never look back! :D
Seduction Boutique Australia 18 July 2015 at 3:31 pm
Sex Toys have their own importance and they increase the enjoyment and you don't feel alone when your partners with you. You can find a large collection of Sex Toys at here: http://seductionboutique.co...
Josh 31 January 2016 at 9:47 pm
Hi,Sorry to go of topic but I need some advise please.After discussing for long time with a group of friends we decided to do an orgy. Of course this is very exciting but I think I would like to have some Kamagra as a back up just in case I cant control my nerves. I simply get lost on the interweb and would love to get some help and point me in the right direction please. Thanks in advance Josh from Mt lawley
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