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How to have Great Sex

26 September 2013 2 comments

Whilst we're all different with what turns us on, and men are vastly different to women when it comes to what constitutes great sex, it appears we all have one thing in common. It's the need for an emotional connection. It's that feeling of being wanted and desired, that feeling of mutual attraction and that flood of lust that heightens sex to the point where we deem it great sex. I had many responses to the questions I raised in last week's blog.

All women, and some of the men, cited the need for an emotional connection as a mandatory requirement to keep the sparks flying in the bedroom. And it turns out that a lack of it is a deal breaker for most women!

Mel

How to have Great SexHow to have Great Sex

Mel sent me these comments in response to last week's blog post: I think GREAT sex happens when you are confident and comfortable with your partner (usually after being with that person long enough to establish a true connection) and when you completely throw all inhibitions out the window, and can cross every sexual boundary together with trust and honesty. If you're honest with communicating your desires, needs and even fears, knowing your partner will; 1. Take care of you 2. Try hard to fulfill your needs, and 3. Explore your fantasies with you without judgement or critique - THEN, you'll have great sex! It's great to be able to say to someone afterwards, "hey I loved that, and I have ideas on how we can explore that further next time" and have them respond with "ok babe, let's do it, NOW".... Communication is key! Of course a quickie, one night stand can end in great sex too. But that's purely physical.

Dave

I received this message from Dave regarding last week's blog post: Just a quick response to the out-of-body experience: I have experienced this sensation a number of times - it's usually been pretty spontaneous sex (even with a stranger), often in unusual locations (in other words not necessarily the bedroom), there's sometimes been lots of foreplay (the teasing touch/massage with fingers and lips - usually oral on the lady because it is so very intimate and can give so much pleasure - they are the total focus and they know it), though a lot depends on that chemistry that sometimes just clicks. BUT the thing that really does it for me is when you get that extraordinary connection with passionate kissing whilst having penetrative sex. You touched on this with your kissing in the lift experience - it doesn't happen with everyone, even in the throes of passionate sex, but sometimes the kissing seems to become virtually an extension of what is going on "down there". Can be mind blowing!!

Ashton

Ashton is a gorgeous stripper and entertainer who works at one of Australia's top clubs. This is what she wrote in her feedback: Number one. Dirty talk! When I was younger my first proper boyfriend went away, so phone sex was an everyday experience (sometimes twice a day!)... so yeah ever since then I need it or it's like having cake with no icing. I also need passion and connection (obviously). It doesn't matter how hot the person is if you don't have that spark and don't want to rip their clothes off, then yeah, boring! I'm not a narcissistic person and I don't need/want compliments. When I go out I dress up for myself, and like many woman I dress up for other girls! (Girls love showing up other girls!) In the bedroom however I'm very narcissistic! I don't even care if they are lying. Just tell me I have the nicest pussy and I'm so god damn pretty and I'll be happy. Maybe this one should be higher on the list, but having my partner use my vagina as an oxygen mask... enough said really. I also crave mental stimulation. That's why I've always really been a relationship/'seeing someone' kinda girl because I can't enjoy sex with someone unless I'm mentally stimulated and that usually takes time with a person. I guess being in a job where I'm on auto pilot and have no mental stimulation I crave it and would rather have no sex then bad or mentally un-stimulating/passionless sex.

Chantelle

Chantelle's comment is worth mentioning: Men that are well hung, cocky and think they are god's gift to women usually do what they want. Sex is a one way street to them so it usually is a downer. It doesn't matter whether or not a guy is well hung, if he's all about satisfying himself or if he's totally arrogant then that's a turn off for most women. Similarly even if a gorgeous girl with the perfect body is a bitch, the sex isn't going to be great! What we all need to remember is the importance of our brains as Ginger commented: I personally believe that the brain is the biggest sexual organ. If he/she gets inside my head and provokes thought then that makes for a more complete sexual experience.

After thinking it through a bit more, especially with all the feedback I received, here are my tips to ensure your sex is not just good sex but Great Sex:

1. For women there definitely needs to be an emotional connection. Whilst men can, at times, have great sex without an emotional connection with their partner, women simply need to have this connection most of the time. Often relationships start off on a casual basis with little commitment if any.

After they've had sex a few times most women ask the question "where is our relationship heading" (because they want and need the emotional connection). For most guys the standard response to this question is "straight to the bedroom babe". I'm sure you get my point here in the difference between men and women. That said most men do also have better sex with someone they're connected with.

2. Everyone wants and needs passion. I believe men and women don't differ on this although women need it more than men. I my experience a woman usually wants kissing, hugging, touching, caressing, foreplay, etc before and during sex - passionate sex. Men love this too but on the other hand they could often have great sex by simply bending their partner over the bed for a 'quickie'. Obviously some compromise is needed here to ensure both deem the experience great sex.

3. We all need spontaneity and a break from the routine. No one wants boring sex. A change in the routine increases the excitement which leads to greater pleasure. I'm sure we've all been guilty of allowing our sex life to fall into a bit of a rut at some stage of a relationship. Unless you're proactive and do something about it your sex life will continue to languish potentially to the point of no return.

So if you're in that situation where sex is boring, just average, or isn't as great as you'd like it to be, then take charge. Try different positions, try different times of the day, try different places around the house (or outdoors), try using sex toys, try role play and acting out fantasies, try dirty talk, anything to spice things up. This will put you back on the road to having great sex!

4. Open communication is essential! We all need to remember to communicate with our partners what we like and dislike in sex. Without knowing it's a bit of a guessing game (which can be fun at times) trying to work out what excites someone and what heightens their pleasure. I know there is often anxiety, or fear, when discussing sexual issues with ones partner but we need to be totally honest. The more open we are to what we like and dislike the quicker we start experiencing great sex!

5. Knowing how to turn each other on is paramount! This is obviously where some intuition is required (as well as communication). See my previous blog posts re what turns a man on and what turns a woman on. If a man isn't aroused he's potentially going to have erection problems, or even with an erection he may struggle to ejaculate. Note the converse is sometimes a problem too ie. where he's way too aroused and orgasms too soon leaving unfinished 'business'.

Similarly if a woman isn't fully aroused it can't work (aside from the possible mechanical issues). She's not going to have great sex until she's turned on to the max with her desire in overdrive.

6. There needs to be lust, and lots of it! It's that raw need to tear someone's pants down or tear their dress off, the need to smother someone with affection and attention, the desperate need to touch them and the reciprocal need. Having someone claw at you lustfully is in itself self perpetuating ie. it can create a strong urge in you to want to do the same to them.

It's not difficult to describe lust. We've all been in relationships where lust abounds and of course we've all seen it dissipate over time too. What does require thought however is how we can increase lust and how we can stop it eroding over time.

7. We need to stop focusing so much on particular body parts as the fact is our biggest sexual muscle is our brain. For men they need to remember it's not ALL about the cock. Similarly for women it's not all about their breasts, ass or pussy. Sure these can be erogenous zones where touching and stimulation can turn us on. And well hung men or women with big breasts may excite some, but it takes more than just excitement to ensure the sex we have is deemed great sex.

I thought this blog post was going to be easy to write however when I started sifting through the feedback I received and then started looking at my own experiences it became quite daunting. I ended up with a huge matrix of possibilities and reasons as to what makes some sex great sex. In the end I think captured the essential elements, however as always I'd love to hear your feedback particularly if you believe I've overlooked something worthy of noting.

Delivering passion and pleasure.

Mal

chantelle 26 September 2013 at 7:59 pm
I found this really insighting about how women and men are different, even though they want the same thing, a quickie is exciting for both even with a spouse but at the end of the day the article is very compatible to everyone, nothing seems to be over looked. great work mal
Chelle 27 September 2013 at 12:17 pm
"For women there definitely needs to be an emotional connection" ... I have to fully disagree with this sweeping generalisation! I would say that many women do need to be turned-on mentally first for sure, but some of the best sex I've ever had has been with random one-night-stands, followed by me sneaking out of the window at 4am :) It doesn't have to involve an emotional connection, just a good general mindset and confidence.I feel that for women, it's often more about how she is feeling generally at the time - when a woman is not happy in herself or her life, that's when she can miss out on great sex. Too many women are plagued by low self-esteem and poor body image, which result in them not being able to really just shut off those niggling insecurities and really go for it.
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