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First time SEX with a new partner

3 July 2014 3 comments

A while back I was visiting a girlfriend who lived with another girl. It was a Saturday afternoon and I was in the lounge room watching the football. The two girls were trying on dresses in the bedroom. In walked the boyfriend of the other girl. He shook my hand and went straight to the fridge and knocked back a can of beer in one long gulp. He then asked me where his girlfriend was. I told him. Moments later my girlfriend walked out. Then I heard a few minutes of squealing. He then walked back out doing up his zipper, went straight to the fridge and downed another beer with just one long gulp. Then he left.

First time sexFirst time sex

Minutes later his girlfriend walked out of the bedroom holding her ass. She looked at me and said to me "I don't get it Mal; he comes around here, bends me over the bed and gives it to me hard in the ass. He doesn't kiss me or give any affection whatsoever and he's gone within a few minutes of arriving". I didn't really have a response to that other than to sigh.

This isn't the way for a man to treat his girlfriend and it's certainly not the right strategic approach to adopt the first time a man has sex with a new partner, especially if he wants to see her again.

I like to use my golfing analogy to compare first time sex with a new partner. I haven't played golf too often (not the analogy) but when I have played and I've tried to drive the ball as far as I can down the green by smashing it with all my might, the ball normally heads sideways and lands a long way from where I was aiming (a dreadful stroke). That's because I tried too hard! When I relax and take it easier with the swing it normally heads straight down the green. Inevitably when you're trying too hard to impress a new partner with your sexual prowess, you're at serious risk of things not working out as you'd planned them. You need to acknowledge the event could be awkward and it won't be great sex. For a man there's a chance he has erection problems (getting or staying hard) or that he ejaculates too soon or even worse (for him) he doesn't ejaculate at all. And for a woman there's a real risk of her not self lubricating, not orgasming or generally not enjoying the experience.

Let's assume you've been out on a few dates together (we can debate another time how many dates is acceptable prior to having sex) and you both agree to go back to either's home with innuendo in the air that sex is on the cards. Assuming also that you both like each other enough to want to try to ensure it's not going to be a one off sexual experience with that person (note if it's just a one night stand people generally act differently ie. they don't really care about pleasuring the other person as it's only about self gratification). How does one tackle a delicate situation like this? If it all goes pear shaped then either party, or both, may decide there's no point in pursuing the relationship (albeit that it's in its infancy), which might be a shame and perhaps premature. So how do you ensure your first time between the sheets with your new squeeze goes well or is it surely destined to end a disaster? I believe you can make it a success if you adhere to a few basic principles:

  1. Relax – you both need to accept it's probably going to be awkward from the outset so try to relax (easier said than done sometimes) and perhaps even laugh about it. Try to go with the flow rather than have a set plan of how you're hoping or expecting the event to proceed. Here's where being nimble and adaptive can be a serious strength. What turns one woman on may turn another off. Similarly one man's pleasure may be another man's dislike. And remember, a few drinks to help you both relax is fine but don't get too drunk.
  2. Entice the 6 senses to create arousal – this is where sight, sound, touch, taste, smell and humour can make or break the encounter. Sexy lingerie for instance can turn a guy on and set the mood. Ideally lighting needs to be dimmed. Similarly clean sheets and maybe even flowers can make a woman feel like he's gone to some effort (and effort scores big points). Music selection is quite important as is telling a woman how gorgeous she is or a man how much you're into him. Now is the time to explore each other's bodies with a lot of touching and tasting (massage can score more points and is a great way for you both to explore). Perfume and sometimes after shave (not too much) works or even scented candles (although candles can be too cliché on the first sexual interlude). And if you can make each other laugh a bit in the bedroom then that bodes well for a successful first time together.
  3. Be confident - confidence makes a person look and feel sexier! Make a point of undressing each other slowly and admiring each other's bodies in the process. Whilst you might want to tear each other's clothes off it's usually better to build the anticipation. Try to avoid undressing quickly and disappearing under the sheets before they can check you out as hiding your body isn't a turn on for either of you.
  4. No pressure – guys in particular need to ensure they don't put any pressure on a woman to have sex. She will only want to when she's ready. Women generally have the power at this juncture and a man just has to accept it and run with it rather than try to force or coerce her to have sex.
  5. Pay attention to body language – it's important to try to read signs before, during and after your first time together. Men aren't mind readers but women sometimes expect us to be (we don't always know what they go crazy for in bed). Similarly men can convey wrong signals (and read signals wrongly) or fail to communicate effectively. Some guidance is normally recommended. Don't try to over analyse the situation (lest you take the fun out of it) but remember you're trying to please each other and make each other feel great afterwards. This means you need to think and react accordingly!
  6. Ask questions if you're not sure – the age old adage that it's better to ask for permission rather than forgiveness rings true when you're exploring each other's body and turn-on's for the first time. If a man wants to give the woman oral sex then he probably should ask first as some women see this act as far more intimate than actual fucking. Similarly if a man loves to receive a blowjob then rather than push her head down towards his groin he should ask her if she would mind doing it for him beforehand (and if she's not keen then he needs to be patient as attitudes change over time). I had an ex-girlfriend years ago who didn't want to give me a blowjob until months after we started having sex (sigh).
  7. Lower your expectations – if you're hoping for mind blowing sex then you could be setting yourself, or both of you, up for a serious disappointment! It would be far easier to liken the first experience to a reconnaissance survey ie. some exploration before taking things further. No one usually performs like a porn star the first time you have sex with them. And it's often a turn off if they do as it leaves questions regarding their sexual past. A friend of mine recently complained to me that he'd had sex with a new girlfriend and she was like an acrobat in the bedroom. She requested anal, performed amazing oral sex on him and spun round and round in many different positions before finally swallowing his ejaculate and wanting round 2 almost immediately. Whilst he was initially impressed with her sexual performance he made the mistake of asking her afterwards how many guys she'd slept with to which she responded "why does EVERY guy ask me that"? He's still seeing her but I know he doesn't feel special given her apparent sexual past with many different partners (we can debate the topic of sexual past and how we should feel about it another time too).
  8. No penetrative sex – by agreeing from the outset that you'll get naked, kiss and fondle, with maybe some heavy petting and nothing more, this can de-risk the event considerably. If you take the prospect of fucking out of the equation (I nearly said 'off the table' – but decided this could be interpreted differently), then it will most definitely lower anxiety levels and almost eliminate expectations. Men are hopeless sometimes and they might still be expecting a blowjob or that they'll be able to smooth talk the woman into fucking, however most men will accept the agreement of no fucking and will be happy for an 'exploratory' naked romp. The no fucking rule has the added benefit of increasing the build up and sexual tension for when you eventually have penetrative sex (I'm forever the optimist). And if the buildup is great then there's a better chance that the first time you actually have sex will be great! Men in particular like the approach of no penetrative sex on the first naked encounter as it minimises some of their potential erection and performance concerns. And women can sometimes like the idea of no fucking on the first encounter as it can help them feel that the guy wants more from them than just sex (ie. he's not a player). Note there's a good chance that you will mutually agree to fuck later in the session even though you've agreed prior that you wouldn't. And of course there's a chance that honesty hasn't prevailed and one of you considers it a one night stand.
  9. Forget about your dungeon or kinks you may have - now isn't the time to start bragging about how you have a fully kitted dungeon in your spare room or that you love partner swapping (swinging) and threesomes. No...definitely not! And they don't want to hear that you prefer to have sex whilst you watch porn. Now is the time for vanilla sex with some romance and tenderness (well unless you both agree otherwise).
  10. Don't bring out the sex toys – guys need to forget that they may have a few drawers full of sex toys that they used with their ex girlfriend. A new woman doesn't want you to use them on her (for many reasons). Guys should leave the big dongs, pussy pumps and even the more standard sex toys in the drawer (actually I suggest you give them to the ex or throw them out). For women I believe it's different. Many guy's probably wouldn't mind you pulling out some sex toys (to use on yourself not him) although there will be some guys who may then feel inadequate or intimidated. To be safe I think it's better to forget the sex toys until you get to know each other better in the bedroom.
  11. Don't compare your new partner with your ex partners – this sounds like a no brainer but it needs to be front of mind. No one wants to be called the wrong name (like your ex's name) in the bedroom and especially on the first time. And no man or woman wants to hear how your ex did this or that and was sooooo amazing in bed. Also remember to try not to compare yourself to their ex as this can give you self esteem issues.
  12. Don't leave straight after orgasming – by all means get up to wash off or have a quick shower (so long as you get your ass straight back to bed) but try to stay laying in the arms of each other basking in the glory of your first naked experience together. If you've fucked then it's particularly important for a woman to have some cuddling and affection as it helps her feel there's an emotional connection and that the encounter was more than just sex.
  13. Have safe sex – I mentioned in my blog post last week that many guys don't like to wear condoms however I never condone unsafe sex practises. If a couple haven't had sex before then they need to discuss what form of contraceptive they will use to avoid unwanted pregnancies and they need to use condoms unless they can be certain of someone's sexual past (ie. they're sure they don't have any STI's).
  14. Contact them the next day – this is very important! No one likes game playing or feeling like it didn't mean something when they've just had sex with a new partner. Msg'ing (or sexting) the next day is mandatory! You need to let them know how much you enjoyed it and how you'd like to see them again soon.

We've probably all had a few first time sexual encounters that haven't gone too well. That's fine, however we all need to remember that sex with a partner usually always gets better over time.

If you have any other tips on how to make first time sex with a new partner more enjoyable then fire away with your comments.

Delivering passion and pleasure.


Sweetchocolate 4 July 2014 at 5:59 pm
As always Mal very well thought out. I'm curious tho about what you think of making and keeping contact with ones mistress??
Anon 5 July 2014 at 9:09 am
I completely disagree with "go with the flow". I would much rather have an in depth discussion on likes, dislikes and expectations. That way you can make sure you are into the same things and go in with some knowledge of what the other person likes.
Ed 7 July 2014 at 1:42 pm
Sorry, I missed the 'connection' between premises, reasoning and conclusion int he article. In philosophy (reasoning) this is what is called a "specious argument". The article starts off about a girl whose lover drops in and pounds her butt and leaves (obviously a guy who knows what he wants and obviously a girl who is very happy with that because she repeats it, but just likes to have a little whinge about no kiss as he leaves). The story then takes a sidestep by a guy wishing he was in that guys shoes and somehow turning the whole article around to reflect his wish or false belief that the girl wanted something else (perhaps him)?. Fact is she obviously loves it that way or she wouldnt be 'regularly' doing it that way and its the lack of a kiss on the back of the head as he leaves which annoys her most (but really, lets be serious, the old saying "treat them mean, keep them keen' might apply here and she might have no respect for some soppy kisser - we cannot know because the logic takes a sharp left turn from what we know as a fact (or are given as facts) and the story drifts off into candles and flowers. And if the pussy kisser wins her? Well after he finally does, with flowers, buys her a flash sports car and a diamond ring... well, she will still giggle and pop it for the first buttman who smacks her ass and bends her over the toilet in a nightclub cubicle.... whilst the pussy kisser stands fretting at the bar outside. The whole article is, in philosophical terms, 'illogical': based on a false premise; argued with fallacious reasoning, and; arrives at an erroneous conclusion. The real prejudice in this entire article is based around a repressed envy: the writer is envious the other guy is getting her butt (and regularly we are told, with the buttgirl enjoying it) whilst pretending to adopt the 'sensitive guy position' - the pussy kisser, being oral, waffling and talking at it instead of getting on with the job wants to sing at the pussy and romance it (and I suspect, really, he is a repressed buttman which is why the subject was introduced in the first place). He is not a man of action enough to take responsibility for both their sakes and thats why the other guy is getting her butt and not him. And if he doesnt toughen up and read the play correctly and become the man in the game - he wont be getting it either - regardless of how many kisses and sighs he throws her way. And Mal, stop playing the Devils Advocate, the "sensitive guy", ha ha
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