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Fantasies – live them out or not?

11 July 2013 1 comment

Everyone has sexual fantasies. Some people tell their partners their fantasies and some people keep them a secret. And some lucky people actually get to live out their wildest sexual fantasies. Should we disclose our sexual fantasies to our partner? Should we try to live them out?

Live your fantasyLive out your fantasy?

In 1995 I started a phone dating business in Australia. This quickly morphed into not only phone dating but also phone sex. I ran this business until 2001 when the Australian government effectively closed it down (don't get me started regarding our overly zealous and conservative censorship laws). At its peak in 2001 the 24/7 business employed 200 female phone sex 'operators'. We were advertising over 9,000 phone numbers in newspapers, magazines, on late night TV and on the Internet. This business ran for over 6 years and generated millions of phone calls where callers, usually anonymous, discussed their sexual fantasies. For most callers this was as close as they could have ever imagined to actually fulfilling their fantasies.

Our four most popular phone sex lines back then were Fantasy Club, 2 girls, Hot Housewives and Madame Whiplash. I remember being surprised at the demand for Madame Whiplash. Even more surprising to me - it wasn't only men calling Madame Whiplash. It turns out some women are quite fascinated by bondage and discipline (B&D) too. I suppose this is no revelation given the success of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy and the fact that most readers of this were women.

Playing with sex toys as a couple is a fantasy many people have. I often receive feedback from our adultshop.com in-store sales staff how they give advice to buyers of sex toys based upon customer's fantasies. Many men for instance want to try anal sex or double penetration with their partner and need advice on the right lubricant and sex toys to use with this.

The majority of men (I'm told at least 80% by one of our store sales managers) who buy vibrators or dongs for their partners don't want anything bigger than them for fear their partner will enjoy the extra size leaving them feeling inadequate. Some men however love the idea of watching their partners use large vibrators or dongs. I'm sure most of those men haven't worked out where a woman's G-spot or clitoris actually is and similarly haven't worked out that most women really don't go for such large sex toys. Perhaps we can put this down to not understanding what a woman really wants. Then again men are visual creatures and maybe it's just something that turns some men on.

Large vibrators and dongs were often featured in the phone sex call business. Callers actually wanted to hear the toy going in and out of the operator or hear the vibrations...sigh. I did have to chastise a few operators when they told me they were actually using sex toys in the call centre. I didn't mind them using the toys if they were working from home but the booths had windows in them. The operators quickly worked out which household appliances they could substitute for sex toys. An electric toothbrush sounds like a vibrator so they held that close to the phone whilst moaning and speaking to the caller. A damp bath sponge when squeezed sounded like they were inserting a dong so this was placed next to the phone as a substitute. The operators were certainly innovative...as well as entertaining!

So it's fine for many people to talk about their sexual fantasies with phone sex operators but can they tell their partner? I once had a partner who couldn't tell me her fantasies face to face so she used to write me sex stories. That was clever...and it worked! I love telling my girlfriend my fantasies, usually whilst in the bedroom, and she loves telling me hers. It always results in great sex! I suppose I have a license to tell my fantasies however I do understand that for many people they wouldn't dream of telling their partner theirs.

What happens when you share your fantasies with your partner and they look at you quizzically ie. when they either don't get it or they think you're weird? Do you file your fantasies away never to be brought up again? Do you seek out a new partner who understands and who may be willing to help you live them out? Do you consider using the services of an escort? I'm not sure what the right answer is but I think you deserve kudos for actually discussing your fantasies in the first place.

Providing the sex is between consenting adults I'm not judgmental in what's an acceptable sexual fantasy. I believe there are a lot of parallelisms between the subjectivity of art and sexual fantasies. My apartment has many large canvases of nude photos adorning the walls. I deem them art (albeit erotic art). Some may call it porn! It's a person's subjective views that define it. Similarly one man's fantasy is another man's norm. Again it's subjective.

I know a couple, who are swingers, who regularly share their sex life with me (this never happened when I was a civil engineer). Recently they told me of a group sex session they had where they invited five well hung men to their hotel room and she had sex with all of them whilst the husband watched. He later joined in. This is clearly not for everyone (note my eyes were popping out of my head a bit as they told me the story)...and she's such a sweet woman in her 30's, with two little children, and a professional job. Not the stereotype (if there is one) who you'd think would get up to something like this on a Saturday night out with her husband. And this shows that you can never tell a person's innermost secretive fantasies based upon your perception of them.

Her husband told me that his wife had confided in him what her sexual fantasies were and he was happy, and quite excited, about helping her live them out. He went to great lengths to explain to me the boundaries they'd put in place before, during and after the event. They had such a good experience that they're planning to do it again soon.

Couples would have difficulty in living any fantasy out and in particular dealing with the emotions that come with the experience. The couple in question are swingers. Maybe group sex is a natural progression after swinging with other couples... I'm not sure. I do applaud the woman for being totally honest with her husband. I also know many women wouldn't be able to discuss such a fantasy with their partner due to the possible fallout.

Talking of fallout... I'm a 50% owner and co-director of The Court Hotel in Perth. It's a gay and lesbian venue. A few years ago I was chatting with a gorgeous lesbian and after a few drinks asked her how she came to discover she was a lesbian. She told me that she'd told her boyfriend a few years prior about a girl at her local gym who she desperately wanted to have sex with and how she'd asked her boyfriend if it was OK to invite the girl over for a threesome (every man's dream...unless he's gay). Unfortunately the boyfriend was a bit immature and responded that he'd feel jealous if he had to share her with another girl. The end result was she left her boyfriend and started dating the girl...and she hasn't looked back since. I'm quite sure the ex-boyfriend is probably still kicking himself.

I know many men who love to watch porn (note we're visual creatures). In some instances they watch it with their partners and other times alone. Watching porn is akin to living out fantasies sometimes. Unfortunately not all women like watching porn with the partner. I get it, as it's not for everyone. Sometimes couples fantasies are incongruous ie. they don't share the same fantasies. This can lead to obvious issues re the watching of porn. Couple porn (or sometimes referred to as erotica) has become very popular over the last few years. Whilst it's not quite mainstream yet many couples enjoy watching it from time to time. If it helps arouse couples and keep the excitement levels high then that's great!

Fantasy costumes are big sellers at adultshop.com! Top of the list is the sexy nurse, police woman, playboy bunny and French maid costumes. What hot blooded man doesn't like to see his partner in a fantasy outfit? I for one love sexy lingerie and fantasy wear. Couples need to use whatever it takes to help keep the passion alive in their relationship. If sex toys, lingerie, fantasy costumes or porn help spice up their sex life then go for it I say! Similarly if both partners are willing, and boundaries have been discussed and agreed, then I'm all for threesomes, foursomes or moresomes.

So here are my suggestions regarding talking about, and possibly indulging in, your sexual fantasies:

  1. Choose your time – the mood needs to be right!
  2. Discuss your fantasies openly and honestly with your partner but be respectful that some fantasies may be too extreme.
  3. Ask your partner about their fantasies...and listen without being judgmental.
  4. Be realistic re your expectations after telling your partner your fantasies ie. men shouldn't be waiting in anticipation of a gorgeous girl to knocking on the front door next Saturday night requesting a threesome.
  5. If you feel you either can't tell you partner, or your partner won't listen to, your fantasies then consider calling a phone sex line or using an online phone sex cam service where you can see the other person (wherever in the world they may be).
  6. If you want to try and live out your fantasies with your partner then be respectful of their feelings. Set boundaries to help minimize negative feelings before, during and particularly after (ie. if considering inviting another person, or persons, into the bedroom then only playing as a couple and not individually unless obviously agreed).
  7. Consider watching erotica together and also using sex toys as a couple.
  8. Do consider experimenting with both yours and your partner's fantasies. I can guarantee its fun and very exciting!
  9. Recognize that some fantasies may have to stay fantasies if you want to keep your relationship.

As always I'd love your feedback.

Delivering passion and pleasure.

Mal

Wanting moresome 12 July 2013 at 12:55 am
What an interesting blog and im sure ur relationship is as fun as ur writing. Imagine the likes of a show like Spartacus moved to prime time tv.... Or a sex party instead of a liberal or one nation party. That could be quite liberating. Again loved ur blog, wish more men were as open and tasteful X
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