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Cougars - what's the attraction?

7 August 2014 7 comments

I recently caught up with a friend of mine whom I called a 'Cougar'. She's in her forties, still very attractive, is divorced and has two teenage children. She'd been bragging to me about her young "gorgeous boyfriend" who was in his twenties when I suggested she was a cougar. They'd been dating for nearly a year. My assertion that she was a cougar was met with dismay and fierce rebuttal. In fact this is how she responded: "first of all let's get this straight Mal, I'm not a cougar! Just because I was married to someone 9 years younger than me and just because I'm currently involved with someone whose age has a 2 in front of it, whereas mine has a 4 in front, doesn't make me a cougar. In fact when I hear the word cougar it makes me think of a woman who goes out and preys on younger men. And this couldn't be further from the truth in my case!"


After looking at her in somewhat disbelief I decided to stay open minded and explore why a woman in her forties would have a boyfriend (not just a casual fling) in his twenties. What was the attraction for her and what was the attraction for him? Apparently when they started sleeping together he had a younger stunning girlfriend who was also in her twenties. He soon dumped the girlfriend from Hottieville in favour of someone nearly twice his age. I'd never ventured into 'cougar territory' as a young guy so I was somewhat perplexed by the concept! It just didn't quite sound logical.

My friend went on to tell me how amazing the sex was with him, how he made her feel younger and invigorated and how he'd completely ruined her with respect to her dating men her own age or older. In her opinion, guys in their forties were only interested in ladies much younger leaving her choices within the dating pool rather limited. And she didn't fully appreciative (and still doesn't) how much many young guys enjoy the pleasures and company of an older woman. At this stage I was still having difficulty with understanding how in her eyes she wasn't a cougar.

I decided that I needed to do some research on the topic so I spoke with a number of women in their forties (and one in her early fifties - note she looks and acts far younger) who I knew were into younger men (sometimes just for casual sex but generally for committed relationships). Whilst nothing much really shocks me sexually I was pleasantly surprised by what I learned.

Like many relationships, theirs started off as casual sex (and they raved about the sex being awesome). The reason they viewed it as casual sex was because they couldn't fathom why guys half their age would be interested in them. They questioned how they could compare to gorgeous women in their twenties and thirties. Women in their forties and fifties have usually started deteriorating physically (the ageing process can sometimes be cruel). They have more wrinkles, a bit more body fat and cellulite, less muscle tone, their eyes are beginning to fail, they're developing age spots, their skin loses its lustre, their breasts are sagging, their buttocks have lost firmness and shape, their hair is beginning to grey and they've generally lost their youthful exuberance (note a healthy lifestyle that includes regular exercise can help slow this process down considerably). But yet many younger men are still attracted to them! Why?

  1. The awesome sex! Yes this is a common thread that apparently is the initial main attraction. Older women are more experienced sexually. They're less reserved and are more willing to explore their sexual horizons and fantasies (theirs and his). Young women are often sexually shy and have inhibitions. And they don't like the lights on as they have body issues. Older women however can be more outrageous in the bedroom and love the idea of experiencing anal sex, threesomes (MMF and FFM), partner swapping with other couples, B&D, role playing, sex toys, watching porn together and they're generally more eager to please when it comes to oral sex (for him and her). Older women love sex talk and relish the shock factor they can dish out to the less experienced young guys. Their list of taboos is far shorter than that of younger women. All guys love this in a woman - particularly younger guys! An older woman can teach a young guy things that he's only read about or has seen in porn films.
  2. Older women are far less concerned with getting their hair or make-up messed up whilst having sex. And they don't mind sweaty sex either.
  3. Because an older woman is usually either divorced or has been in long term relationships she's more experienced in many aspects of life (not just sexually). Whilst it can mean they have problematic baggage it usually means they are hassle and relatively drama free. No man likes drama in their life! And young women often spell drama. An older woman can offer a drama free and often a commitment free relationship (they're often just happy with the great sex). Most guys would welcome the opportunity to enter into a drama free relationship with someone sexually experienced with the bonus of no commitment (no strings attached sex). Obviously as the relationship develops commitment is usually made although it's usually somewhat more flexible. I'm guessing a potential trap for the women is that they may fall in love with a younger guy only to be heartbroken if he leaves them for a younger woman (although any breakup can often spell heartache).
  4. Older women's additional life experiences can make them more appealing to younger men. They can appear wiser, worldlier; they have more stories to share and more to talk about than younger women (assuming older women don't go on too much about their bastard ex husband). Guys like this! Some young women are so lacking when it comes to intellectually stimulating conversation that men take them to the movies regularly (where less talking is required). And when a couple are not on the same wavelength then boredom can set in.
  5. When a young guy has a relationship with a woman around his own age there is usually concern that her expectations grow to the point that she'll soon want marriage and children. Younger guys don't have to worry about this with older women as they're usually not looking to have children or get married (well not marry a young guy anyway - although they might still be hoping Mr Right comes along one day in which case they'll be more than happy to keep their toy boy until then).
  6. Often men and women's libidos are mismatched. Many men from their mid thirties onwards begin to experience a loss of libido (note that a healthy lifestyle and regular exercise can seriously slow this rate of decline). Conversely women in their thirties and forties can reach their sexual peak where they want sex all of the time. They can often orgasm more easily at this juncture in their life too. Orgasms can be like a drug. The more you have, the more you want. And older women often have an insatiable sex drive. As a result many men their own age can't keep up (these men should get to the gym more to help with the natural release of the libido enhancing hormone testosterone). It's because of this disparity in libidos that older women are often driven to younger men. A woman who isn't sexually satisfied has to consider other options! And it's because women in their twenties haven't peaked sexually that men in their twenties and thirties can be mutually attracted to older women as their libidos are more closely aligned to theirs.
  7. Women like to be worshipped and they like attention (and not just in the bedroom)! It turns out that younger guys appear to be more attentive towards older women. Maybe it's because of the great sex these women can offer, or the hassle free relationship, or maybe it's just that many men in their forties and fifties either want younger women or they're starting to lose their mojo (although Austin Powers never seemed to lose his) and they lack the passion and desire to please and pleasure a woman.
  8. Many men from their mid thirties show serious signs of physical deterioration. Perhaps it's because they drink too much booze, smoke, do little or no exercise, are over worked and stressed, eat unhealthy food, do recreational drugs, but whatever the case they let themselves go. If this is the case then I can see the appeal of younger guys to older women. Digressing for a moment; it does make me cringe (and inwardly laugh) sometimes when I see an older fat businessman leaning on a bar doing his best to impress a young hot girl - dreaming!

I've only touched on a few points on why older women are often attracted to younger men and why younger men are attracted to them. I haven't had the chance to speak with young guys about the attraction. Maybe I'll do a future blog post from a young guy's perspective. On a closing note I now understand why older women don't like to be referred to as cougars. The term infers they prey on younger men. The women I spoke to all told me it was the young men who preyed on them rather than the other way round. A couple of them actually said they'd tried standard dating websites (not those specifically for cougars and men seeking them) and that in their profile they'd stated that they didn't want to be contacted by younger guys and yet over half of the guys wanting to meet them were much younger guys. Again it was the younger guys who were desperate to date older women (maybe they just wanted great commitment-free sex?). I'll try to think of a better term to more aptly describe women (like Madonna and Demi Moore) who date much younger guys.

As I'm no expert on the topic I'm interested to hear your comments and views. I wonder if the same logic applies to older men who like to date younger women?

Next week I'm off holidaying and exploring sunny Europe. I'll return invigorated and with a suntan in early September so will continue with my blog posts then.

Delivering passion and pleasure.


Jetgirl 7 August 2014 at 2:59 pm
Great topic Mal, yes I am one of those early fifties gals. Very youthful in my outlook on life and not looking to be put in mothballs yet. From my perspective, I have been married to and dated guys much older than me. When I was young I looked to older men for their maturity, but now I'm in the 'older' category, I'm annoyed that those older men either want a housekeeper/ maid/ cook and not a companion for excitement in adventure. In fact I would go as far as to say that many men older are just counting down the days to retirement. Forget it! I'm not wanting to be a grey nomad!!! I dye my hair and try to keep youthful and want a lover/ partner to still be working and have a purpose to get up in the morning. Kids are off my hands and I have much more time to devote to fun and adventure. I think that younger men give that sparkle to my life that lacks in older men who appear to be worn out or broken by bad ex partners. Sad, but men carry a lot of baggage too.I will look forward to hearing from guys about what turns them on from a 'more experienced' lady like myself. Have a great holiday in Europe Mal.
Patti 7 August 2014 at 5:26 pm
I'm with Jetgirl, I'm 50+ years young, been married, dated both younger and older and must say I like younger but not too young. My last partner was older a workaholic and only wanted an assistant, housekeeper and mother figure. But I'd really like to hear from the other side of the fence here, what do these younger guys think? Why do they like us older gals? We girls know why we like them, but we still don't really know why they like us (ok we know its for the sex to start with)...
Sweetchocolate 7 August 2014 at 5:27 pm
Hi Mal, have to agree with jetgirl, on dating sites younger guys seem keen on stalking older women. I generally liked older men but agree that younger men are much more willing in the bed (and other places) to try new experiences. I don't find anything wrong with the cougar tag personally, much nicer and hotter than MILF!
Nibbles 7 August 2014 at 7:47 pm
IM 43 and currently seeing a 30 yr old guy. I think about sex 24/7 and i need someone with energy that can keep up :)
[email protected] 9 August 2014 at 8:58 am
Hey, this is indeed a very interesting conversation. I am a bloke aged 27 (not that I am that young anymore) and I have always been attracted to older ladies and could never understand why until I dated woman my own age and younger. I now understand why I have such a greater interest in older ladies and for me personally its because older ladies tend to know exactly what they want, don't play games and tend not to waste their time and my time. I think I have always known exactly what I wanted and for some reason it fits in with older partners. So no doubt this isn't about the physical attraction for me, even though the older partners I ended up with were beautiful (all of them in their own way), but more about the emotional part. My very first encounter was when I was 18 years of age and I met a lady aged 34. we dated for some time and due to circumstances out of our control it didn't work out but the point I am trying to make here is that never have I experienced an emotional connection like that.....physical was good too. Hope this gives you the perspective from a younger guys point of view.
Neptune 21 September 2014 at 9:57 am
Hi malMy partner is 26 years younger than myself( I'm 44) and I was and sometimes still am baffled over his attraction to me. He pursued me and has been infatuated with me for about a year previous to us dating. He has always been attracted to older women and has told me he has no interest in girls his own age, no matter how many times I try to convince him that would be a more suitable relationship. I enjoyed reading your article and came across it by chance, I'm interested in reading more articles on this...
Amber 28 April 2016 at 12:44 pm
I'm 33, which makes me an older woman to some. I've had casual sex with guys in their 20's, and in my experience, most of them are absolutely useless sexually. I generally have a rule not to sleep with guys under 30, but I recently broke it because a 20 year old piqued my interest. He seemed compatible with my sexual kinks, talked a big game about his prowess, treated me like a princess, but when show time came about, he didn't last long.It's the guys around the 40 mark that seem to really know what they're doing, and have provided me with the best sex I've had so far.So I don't really give younger men a look in. Maybe I'm being unfair, but I just feel it's not worth the disappointment sexually.
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