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Cheating – my take on it

13 June 2013 2 comments

Like it or not it's prevalent in our society today! No one wants it to happen to them...and in many instances they simply wouldn't know if it was. I realize I'm going out on a limb here by giving you my views...but here goes.

I believe that loyalty is one of the best characteristics a person can have. I don't advocate cheating when you're in a committed relationship. My view is that it's the ultimate deceit and betrayal of trust. As we all know trust often takes a long time to build, but it can be destroyed in a moment. AND it's hard to gain a person's trust back if that trust is broken.

If someone actually weighed up their losses if they were caught cheating then I'm sure in most cases they simply wouldn't do it. Unfortunately cheaters don't often think rationally or logically. In the case of men they're often thinking with their small head rather than their big head ie. their penis rather than their brain.

Why do we cheat?Why do we cheat?

Many of us have been there at some stage of our lives. That is we've all been in committed relationships where the opportunity to cheat on ones partner has either presented itself or it's been a thought or fantasy. Or if we've been single there may have been an opportunity to have sex with someone who's married or in a committed relationship with someone else. How does one deal with this...or how should they deal with it? It's a quagmire that has had many of us searching for answers. For me personally I have a very strong character. I'm determined and I'm logical (maybe it's the ex engineer in me). I have lots of 'will power' and even more 'won't power'. Normally I apply this to exercise ie. I never ever give up. However I also use this strength to know when to say no to the prospect of cheating.

I'm not going to put my hand up and say I'm an angel. When I was in my twenties I had a period where I wasn't in committed relationships and I strayed. I didn't want a full on relationship...probably because I worked too much. Maybe this is why I strayed...because I didn't want a serious relationship and straying was a way of ensuring that I didn't end up in one. Or maybe I was simply too immature to understand. I don't really know the answer...but I do know I now take a positive stance on not cheating!

So why do people cheat? Let's break this down into why men cheat and why women cheat...because I think generally they're for different reasons.

Men cheat for many reasons. They've lost the passion in their relationship...they're going through mid-life crisis...they have too much testosterone...they're visual creatures and can't keep their eyes (and hands apparently) off other women....they're not getting enough sex at home...another woman does things in bed that their wife or partner would never dream of...their current sex life is boring...their wife just had a baby or is pregnant...their libido is higher than their partners....they want to explore their sexual fantasies. Then of course there's the situation where the opportunity has presented itself and without thinking of the consequences men have jumped at it. There are probably many more reasons why men cheat but I think generally they're physical reasons.

Women also cheat for many reasons. I've had to canvas the opinions from a few women I know and here's what they've told me (and here's what I already know); women cheat because they too have lost the passion in their relationship...their partner either doesn't know how or is unwilling to pleasure them...they're feeling unwanted and unloved or taken for granted by their husband or partner....they're not getting enough compliments or affection in their relationship...they're not being told often enough, or at all, by their partner how beautiful they are...they want romance...their libido is higher than their partners...they want to explore their sexual fantasies...they're not communicating well with their partner...sex is boring, mechanical or sometimes non-existent at home...or life is simply boring for them and they need to break out of the routine to get some excitement back. Again, there are probably many more reasons why women cheat but generally they're emotional reasons.

In summary; for men cheating it's often simply about the physical act of being with another woman and for women it's usually the need for emotional connection. I have some advice that I'll share with you another time, on how to keep the passion alive in a relationship and how to get more pleasure so that cheating isn't even a consideration.

What raises suspicions that your partner might be cheating on you? I think there are many possible indicators but here are some obvious signs that you should question:

  1. A negative change in the way your partner acts towards you;
  2. Your partner doesn't want sex with you as often as normal;
  3. A loss of emotional connection;
  4. Day time or night time routine activities change dramatically;
  5. Your partner is less loving or affectionate that normal;
  6. They're constantly checking their phone for msg's (more than normal);
  7. You're fighting a lot and you simply can't understand why.

Whilst these aren't necessarily indicators that your partner is cheating they're certainly an indication that something might not be right in your relationship and it's time to sit down and talk honestly with each other. I suppose the problem is, to a certain degree, partners aren't always honest with each other. Most people understand that open and honest communication is key in any relationship but they don't often do it. My philosophy is to sort out the little things before they become big things that could be insurmountable.

Cheating can have disastrous effects on a relationship. Big Arnie (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is in Perth this week on a speaking circuit around Australia. Not long back Tiger Woods was in Perth for a golf day. Obviously cheating didn't work out too well for them. But cheating isn't just for the stars. It's happening in many relationships worldwide and stats show us that the incidence is increasing. Who knows why! Maybe it's just that more people are getting caught out these days.

Every now and then male friends of mine confide in me that they're cheating on their wife or partner. Sometimes it's just a once off event (and they've blamed things like the influence of alcohol) and other times they've told me they're having an affair and it's been ongoing for a while.

A buddy of mine often seeks my counsel on what he should do. He has two young children and has been with his wife for twelve years. He loves her, worships his children and life is quite good for him...but he's been having an affair for five years with a work colleague. His wife would be devastated if she found out. In fact he too would be devastated if his wife found out. He loves his 'girlfriend' and is a difficult situation as he doesn't want to leave his wife and obviously he doesn't have the balls to tell her about his indiscretions. If he tells her, or if she finds out, she'll definitely divorce him and take the children with her (I'm sure many readers are now thinking he deserves it). He'll not only lose those he loves and treasures but he'll also lose the lion's share of his wealth (of less importance but still a fact to consider). He knows there is no way he can deal with the wrath of his scorned wife if he comes clean. So what to do? Every time he and I discuss it I tell him he must immediately stop the affair. He says he's discussed it with his girlfriend and she's told him she'll blow the whistle on him and tell his wife if he breaks it off with her. I hate seeing him squirm as he realizes he's in a terrible quandary. I still insist he needs to break it off and sort things out on the home front. He's going to have to 'man up' and deal with whatever fall out there is.

I have another buddy who's an average looking guy with a gorgeous wife. They've been together for nearly ten years...and he also has two young children. He often cheats with different women. Sometimes they're one-offs and sometimes he sees them for a few months. We've talked about this over a few drinks before and I've been quite firm with him in telling him that this can't continue. He says his sex life at home is boring and almost non-existent...and his wife is unwilling to do some of the things in bed he wants to do. Of course I've told him he needs to discuss this with his wife rather than me...but he insists he's already done that. He's tried all sorts of approaches to 'spice up his sex life' at home but to no avail. My suggestion to him was that he stops cheating with randoms and considers meeting with an escort or going for a massage that has a happy ending (hand relief). Whilst I don't necessarily advocate the use of sex workers behind your partners back in this case it's better than him having sex (unprotected at times) with various women where there's affection and an emotional connection. At the end of the day escorts don't care what your name is...you could say you're Elvis Presley and they wouldn't care. Escorts don't kiss and there's no emotional connection. So this is my fall back advice for men who I simply can't talk out of cheating.

I recently had lunch with a close buddy where we discussed a mutual friend who's cheating on his wife (we both think he's an idiot). My buddy is married, has 3 children and has been with his wife for 12 years. He said to me "Mal if I ever tell you I'm cheating or if I ever even suggest it...please punch me in the face as hard as you can to wake me up". It was very refreshing for me to hear him say this.

I know not everyone will agree with some of my views. I'd love to hear yours so please comment.

Delivering passion and pleasure.

Mal

Ainslie 13 June 2013 at 11:31 am
Great article Mal! In your position I am sure there are people in the community who will believe you would not have this view on relationships. I believe that by you expressing your thoughts on fidelity in relationships will make people think twice about their actions and just how precious our loved ones are. Best, Ainslie.
Charlotte 13 June 2013 at 3:52 pm
Escorts do kiss. It's called GFE or 'girl friend experience'. The majority of men ask for GFE because they are looking for intimacy and affection, not just sex. How do I know this? I'm an escort. It's not just sex that men crave when they cheat on their wives, it's affection, cuddling. kissing and touching. The problems that result in a marriage that bring a man to an escort are very rarely lack of sex. They are invariably, or so I am told, lack of trust, lack of intimacy, lack of spontaneity and lack of affection.
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