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Bucks Parties

29 January 2015 6 comments

My summer vacation this year saw me travelling to Yallingup, then half way around the world to Los Angeles and New York. And it was in LA that the subject of a close friend's impending buck's party came up. I'm in the wedding party with three other groomsmen. We have until September to mastermind the buck's party of all buck's parties! It's traditional that men who are getting married have one last hoorah with the boys before they tie the knot. And the hopefully once in a lifetime event is a rite of passage!

Given I've helped organise and have been part of dozens of bucks parties over the years (I've only hosted one of my own), I can offer my fellow groomsman valuable input when it comes to the objectives, strategy, planning and execution of a memorable bucks party. As a woman you may ask yourself - why should it be memorable? I'll get to that later. Men who've been to bucks parties will understand. And to all the men who I've attended bucks parties with, don't panic, I'm not about to break one of the unwritten rules - what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!

Bucks Party Bucks Party

Unfortunately I've attended many boring buck's parties over the years. They're normally the ones attended by the bride's father or brother. And more often or not the 'party' is preceded by a game of golf, cricket, fishing or some other lame pursuit. The 'party' is then a sleep worthy event where the men sit around one of the boys homes eating cheap junk food and drinking booze served up by a couple of topless women (no big deal). Sometimes the night might climax, although often it's more of an anticlimax, with a stripper who'll perform a lacklustre striptease that usually lasts the duration of 2 or 3 songs. She usually arrives dressed as a police officer, naughty nurse or in some other fantasy costume. And when the stripper leaves a few minutes later the party then dies a quick death. Yawn!

So what happens at more memorable buck's parties? Most guys would be thrilled if their buck's party was as eventful as those depicted in the Hangover movies (although without the emotional and physical scaring). They'd be happy in the knowledge that their friends would take great delight in recounting their adventures in years thereafter (amongst other men not women).

Forget the boring buck's parties! At a real buck's party the buck should only have one objective and that's survival. The buck normally, and foolishly, enlists the help of some of his most trusted friends to ensure he survives relatively unharmed. This logic is somewhat flawed as the same friends have other objectives – they're actually plotting against him. And additional gym, boxing or martial arts training by the buck pre buck's party is fruitless as copious amounts of alcohol usually renders any physical resistance useless as a defence (as does pleading and begging like a coward).

Late one Saturday night driving through the city of Perth I remember chuckling to myself as I came across a naked guy chained to a light pole. He was clearly blind drunk with his head loosely dangling across his chest. Alongside of him was a crudely erected sign declaring that he was getting married soon. A heavy ball and chain was affixed to one of his ankles signifying that this was how married life was going to be for him (apparently a warning to him of what probably lies ahead).

Another time whilst I was driving through suburbia I was passed by a speeding utility that had a full front seat jammed with half a dozen raucous guys who were admiring their rope tying skills and handy work - their friend (and again obviously a buck from the attached signage) was spread eagled naked from the roof to the tray top. As the car swerved back and forth across the road his manhood was swinging from side to side along with his head (again he appeared in no fit state to even know where he was).

Clearly in both instances the bucks didn't fully appreciate how humiliating it was for them, until of course the next day when they sobered up - unless, in their hopeless state, they were arrested by the police. Whilst being arrested wouldn't have generally been part of the organiser's initial strategy the prospect of the buck being arrested by a female officer would have most definitely appealed to them. And providing there weren't any photos posted to social media (yikes), then most guys wouldn't have seen any harm in these antics. At the time I thought they were hilarious albeit a bit immature. Obviously I wouldn't have been too keen if I was the unfortunate buck!

I've seen a drunken buck (ok so I assisted) who was put into a bed on a train carriage at Perth central station that was bound for Kalgoorlie (8 hours or more away). He had no ID or money on him and he was getting married a week later. He made it to the wedding, although he wasn't too happy with his antagonists. Apparently he hitchhiked home. We didn't see why he made such a big deal of it!

Let's revert back to the topic of strippers as I know women are often intrigued as to the function of strippers at buck's parties. I can tell you now - strippers are entertainment and nothing more. Most bucks wouldn't consider having sex with a stripper, nor would his close friends allow it to happen. And further more I'm certain that strippers don't perform sexual services. Yes I've heard the jokes from women that men at buck's parties pass around a hat to raise money for the buck to have sex with the stripper, but its folklore. It doesn't happen! What does happen is for extra cash the stripper might perform a 'fruit and veggie strip' or pull a few metres of pearl shaped beads from their vagina (these acts can be akin to David Copperfield magic tricks). Or she might demonstrate how much she loves using sex toys solo. A favourite act is to lay the buck down on his back, insert the end of a dildo or vibrator into his mouth and then after straddling his face and inserting the head of the toy she proceeds to bounce up and down its shaft. Note I have seen this act go pear shaped resulting in injuries to the buck (a dentist was needed).

If a stripper has brought along another female stripper to the buck's party (which is sometimes the case) then for extra cash she might perform another show whereby she 'interacts' with the other stripper. Most hetero guys are turned on and somewhat fascinated by what naked writhing women do to each other in the throes of passion. And of course most guys' number one sexual fantasy is a threesome with 2 women or at least watching them pleasure each other (note we sell plenty of double ended dildos at adultshop.com). At this point women who wonder what happens at buck's parties shouldn't panic - the buck doesn't get to join in the action with the strippers!

I've seen a number of bucks beaten by strong dominatrix like strippers who appeared to salivate at the thought of legally administering such savage lashings to the bare buttocks of their unsuspecting prey. As the bucks are normally drunk it obviously doesn't hurt as much as it clearly would have the next day. And I've been to weddings a week later where the groom is wincing in pain at the touch of the bruises and welts on his buttocks that were left as a reminder of the buck's party.

I realise that some women, particularly when they're the bride, are going to be repulsed and disgusted by the thought of strippers, or even any female nudity for that matter, at a buck's party. And I totally understand and appreciate this. There aren't always strippers nor is there always female nudity. Normally the buck, or one of the groomsman, would check with the bride prior to the buck's party to see what boundaries she has. Whilst it's often easier to ask for permission than forgiveness, the bride's wishes and hopes aren't always respected (unfortunately).

Of course any good friend of the buck isn't going to want to have his friend start off a marriage on the wrong foot. Although men attending bucks parties are generally hopeless I believe the groomsman have a number of obligations to the buck -

  1. to ensure his bucks party is memorable,
  2. to make sure he gets to the wedding on time relatively unscathed and
  3. to assist him in cultivating a long and happy marriage.

On a closing note I need to tell you about one of the most memorable buck's parties I've been to (for the wrong reasons). Up until the arrival of the apparently gorgeous stripper dressed in an elaborate fantasy outfit the night was relatively boring and lack lustre. There'd been the customary chit chat on chairs in a semi circle on the back patio whilst a couple of uninteresting scantily clad girls in g-strings fetched the guy's beers. Then she arrived. The crowd was mesmerised as she sat the buck down and bound him to a chair perched on top of a rudimentarily constructed stage area. She'd insisted he strip down to his jocks before sitting. There he sat above the crowd of enthused onlookers. We had plied him full of alcohol but he sobered up quickly. And he appeared to relish the prospect of being the centre of her ardent attention.

Then it was show time! She was certainly talented and entertaining! Her long hair touched her ass and then her heels as she demonstrated her amazing backwards flexibility. Performing the splits across the buck's lap appeared to be her trademark party trick. All eyes were focussed on her amazing body and what she could do with it. I'm sure most guys fantasised about having sex with her. She commanded respect and she got it! Bending forwards with her bare ass only millimetres from the bucks outstretched tongue (his face had the look of a little boy in a lolly shop) with her rather large and pert breasts that defied gravity mesmerizing the crowd, she slowly inched her g-string down. The crowd were spellbound waiting for a glimpse of her womanhood.

Then at the last moment small testicles dropped down as did a small penis (it was way too small to be called a cock). The penis had been tucked backwards and what we'd mistaken for a woman's 'camel toe' was in fact an illusion (and false advertising) created by his small testicles. We'd all missed his ever so slight Adam's apple (alcohol was later blamed). And these days most strippers have fake breasts so these weren't an indication of his gender either. The buck screamed and went into a rage when his stunning stripper turned around and displayed his sexuality (the buck is known for his gay phobia). He doesn't like to talk about his buck's party these days. I genuinely believe it traumatised him.

I have many more bucks parties stories but I can't share them all. Hopefully I've allied the fears of some women about what happens at a buck's party. Then again I've probably opened the eyes up of other women.

After my xmas and new year holidays I'm back to doing fortnightly blog posts until I either go on another holiday, am too busy at work to write them or run out of topics to write about (I'm somewhat struggling with fresh ideas now).

Delivering passion and pleasure.

Mal

sheridanb 29 January 2015 at 4:44 pm
Your description of the boring bucks party sounds exactly like every single one I've ever been too, and yes same old routine every time, and boring. I must be hanging around the wrong crowd...
Tom 2 February 2015 at 1:12 pm
You're either a man-child with a poor grasp of the English language or a psychopath with a poor grasp of the English language. It seems that in each of your off-topic blog posts that you release more and more of your sexuality from that dark closet. Its not surprising that you cannot get comments from legitimate readers, just your IT person. Please Malcolm, stop pretending like you are some authority on any of these topics. Yes, you can send a copyright infringement notice every now and again but it doesn't mean that your opinions are worth anything. Do yourself a favour and stop writing this homosexual bullshit.
Kristal 12 February 2015 at 5:44 pm
I've worked at many a bucks night as a barmaid. I don't know if there is a class difference in the strippers you've seen compared to the ones I've encountered, but the ones I've seen were more than willing to have sex with the groom, along with any other bloke that had enough cash. Some grooms seem into one last fling before married life, but not all, I've seen one poor lad tied to a chair and being given a head job against his wishes by a skanky stripper, as she was cheered on by his so called mates. The thought of my fiancé having a bucks night makes me nauseous.
Chelle 14 February 2015 at 2:16 pm
The only thing worse than a boring buck's night is a boring hen's night (which almost all of them are). *sigh*I hate my gender sometimes! :P
Maria 28 February 2015 at 4:07 pm
my hens night was a disaster :( my "maid of honour" never organised anything, so it ended up just a few of us drinking on my front verandah, and the MOH never even showed up as she was sleeping with her hubbys mate :/....men aren't the only ones who want excitement and fun on a bucks(hens) night....
Glamor Entertainment 21 October 2015 at 8:28 am
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