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Anal Sex - The most misunderstood deed of them all

19 October 2017 25 comments

Before Mr. T made it big as a TV star in the ‘80s, he was an esteemed bodyguard for a diverse collection of clients including prostitutes, preachers and the rich and famous. I can relate to good old Mr. T, as it was with the same ferocity I once guarded my back door when eager hands came a-knocking. Yes, I said “once”.

Anal Sex - The most misunderstood deed of them allAnal Sex - The most misunderstood deed of them all

Several years ago over a glass (or two) of wine during an all girl’s weekend away, the topic inevitably led to: what’s the deal with men being so obsessed with anal sex? Most of us were terrified of having our black cherry popped - all except one. She was always different - there’s always one in every group. “I actually like it - a lot” she said smirking. Wait, what? Oh I know - she’s just saying that for male validation. But there were no men around. Could it be that maybe she was, gasp, a dirty slut?!

Anal sex gets a bad rap. Despite the anus having incredible orgasmic potential, poking around down there has been considered taboo for centuries and is often linked to homosexual tendencies.

What did our ancestors have to say?
Many of our deepest notions about sex were founded in the Middle Ages, especially by the Church’s oftentimes perplexed, and other times severe, pronouncements. One of the many sexual laws the Church passed was that anal sex, and oral sex, were acts of sin as they were practiced purely for gratification - and what is sex for if not to procreate? Homosexuality was defined as an “act against nature” and copulation in the rear was considered a crime punishable by death. Slight overreaction. Interestingly, if we look at various ancient civilizations including the Ancient Greeks, we can see that they were proud purveyors of a bit of bum fun - dating back as early as 100AD as is so often portrayed in their pottery and art.

The times are changing
Whilst anal sex is still perceived as taboo, it is becoming more prevalent amongst heterosexual women and men. Even amongst strict religious women who engage in it in order to preserve their virginity for marriage (this is called Saddlebacking). Sites such as Google, PornHub and our very own have reported a significant increase in the number of searches for anal videos and anal sex toys. Items such as butt plugs and anal beads have become extremely popular. A gay friend of mine loves to stir the pot by saying that the chance of a modern age woman having been “fucked in her asshole is probably higher than that of her folding the laundry”. He really is a sweet guy I swear, he just freaks out when us girls talk about our vaginas during the weekly catch ups and so he responds with chauvinistic remarks.

Is anal sex only for gay men?
Anal sex is not synonymous with homosexuality. In fact, not all gay men love anal sex. Similarly, if you are a heterosexual man who loves anal sex (whether giving or receiving anal stimulation) it does not mean you’re gay.

So why do men want in and women want them out?
I have yet to meet a heterosexual woman who has never experienced a partner trying to see if her tush was unlocked. Men be honest - how many of you have never tried to see if your lady was open to a little butt love? If only just a little. There are the inquisitive polished men who gently try to investigate the area. Others are conspicuous - they simply, and awkwardly, attempt to insert tab A into slot B. And then there are those that “accidentally” mistake her back door for her front door. Easy to do fellas.

Several years ago at an adult industry trade show I thought the best place to seek expert advice on this sticky matter was from porn starlets who were off-screen and relaxed in a social setting. So do these gorgeous starlets really, I mean truly, enjoy anal sex or is their performance worthy of an Oscar award? I was struck by the answer I heard. Firstly, they told me that this was the most common question asked by women. Not “What do your parents think of your profession?” or “Does your kid’s teacher know what you do?” But “Do you really like anal sex?” Turns out us ladies are a little preoccupied with this topic! Every single starlet I asked, and believe me I asked several, said that they genuinely enjoyed anal. Say whaaaat? Most said they actually preferred to have anal sex with their male co-stars. Turns out vaginal intercourse was more intimate and the starlets were uncomfortable with that level of intimacy with someone they didn’t know or particularly like. Many remarked that when done correctly, it is extremely enjoyable and more than half said that they engaged in anal sex with their real life partners. These words struck a chord with me: “When done correctly”…

What does it mean “when done correctly”?
So what made me ditch my anus bouncer like ways? Turns out that when you really like someone, you’re more willing to try things you thought you’d never try before. Like watching Vin Diesel movies.

I know it sounds corny - but being in a mutually caring and fulfilling relationship with a giving partner is what made me convert from analphobe to anal backer. Blowing your partner’s mind is something that is wonderfully sexy and once I started talking to my partner about the possibility of us having anal, the idea became more and more erotic and therefore attractive to me. Would I have anal if I was on my own? Probably not. Does this mean it will be pleasurable for him only? It doesn’t have to. That’s when I realized - women have been doing it wrong all along.

Somewhere along the line, us ladies decided that anal sex is for men - only. And the “selfless” few who yearned to prove their love - by offering their very own sphincter to the Phallic God - did so merely for validation of their femininity. We’ve been doing it all wrong AND in the process we’ve been blaming men. Yes some guys are literal assholes about it, but most guys are accepting when we say no to rear romping. I’ve spoken to many younger women who have shared that anal sex is a constant expectation - they feel overwhelmed when every single guy brings it up. Girls - stop putting the pressure on yourselves. Who cares if they bring it up - it’s up to us what we do with their request and it’s up to them to respect our answer. You will have your own reasons for trying - or not trying - anal. Great communication, as well as a partner you can trust, is essential. If your partner is pressuring you into it, tell him that no asshole is allowed in your ass hole. If you want to do it for your man - do it for your man, but don’t do it ONLY for him. Do it for you. You just might be pleasantly surprised - as I was.

As for the guys out there - if your partner has outlawed anal, it is really douchey for you to pressure her into going against her own will. If you are so desperate to try anal love then go get yourself an anal masturbator and give your lady some breathing space.

Did somebody say anal orgasm?
This may be difficult to swallow for some, but you don’t have to be a prostate owner to experience orgasms from anal. I am seldom believed when I express enthusiasm for the act. Many ladies report euphoric ecstasy from anal stimulation. It makes sense - the anus is an erogenous zone, plus add the act of teetering on that sweet dangerous line between pleasure and pain - it’s really no surprise.

A small survey conducted by the Kinsey Institute showed that 94% of women interviewed reported having a sexual orgasm when having anal sex. The amazing fact was that this number was higher for anal sex than for any other sexual act. Asstonishing! (Couldn’t help it.)

Getting to the bottom of it all
The reality is that not all men are into anal and not all women object to it. There is a misconception that women who have anal sex are more in touch with their bodies and more likely to be fun in bed. But the reality is if you don’t happen to like anal, it doesn’t mean that you are a dud. Similarly, if you enjoy anal it doesn’t mean you’re a slut or gay (for men). There are probably some physiological reasons why you do, or why you don’t, like rear action. When it comes to anal, it’s time we stop focusing on performance in the bedroom and start focusing on pleasure.

Christopher Hitchens, a famous author, has famously said “The four most over-rated things in life are: champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics.” Humans are wired in such a way that familiarity to anything over a period of time breeds contempt - lobster (or anal) is no exception to that rule. Many will find that the fantasy of anal sex is pleasurable, while the reality may not be.

So I put it to you - have you tried it? Was it better/worse than you thought it would be? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

Written by Maggie May
Maggie May is a sexologist and a writer. She is a lover of all things sensual and sexual.

Jo 19 October 2017 at 6:14 pm
Great article.
I don’t enjoy anal. Tried it twice. Each time felt like I was going to the toilet.
I get that some girls like it and that’s cool we’re all different. What I hate is men constantly poking that area to see if it’s available or open as you said. It’s no longer a thing you do once in a while with the odd person it has become a part of everyday sex where men ask you for it on the very first bed sharing date. I don’t like that. But having read this article I must admit I was never relaxed and open minded it was always something I did for the guy and I felt pressured. Maybe I should try it this way.
Maggie May 24 October 2017 at 4:23 am
Dear Jo,
I am glad you could take something positive away from this article. I’d you try it properly you may surprise yourself or you will find out once and for all it’s not your thing.
Thanks for sharing!
Mr Big 19 October 2017 at 7:46 pm
I love anal but Im a guy. Because its off limits and taboo it is kinky. I never force women into having it i know its not for everyone, i just wish more women would be open to trying it. Seems so many shut it off before even considering it as a possibility. Ive only ever done it with strippers or prostitutes but would love to do it with my Mrs. Even kinkier.
Maggie May 27 October 2017 at 12:02 pm
Thanks for sharing Mr. Big.
Angela Johnson 23 October 2017 at 6:58 pm
Great article Maggie May! It’s great to have topics like this out in the open and discussed from different angles and perspectives! Being a heterosexual female- I can certainly relate to having parteners wanting to explore that area and they are all different in the way the approach the topic- it’s true...
Andy 25 October 2017 at 9:06 am
Hi Angela

Anal sex is certainly orgasmic for women, mostly psychological resistance and the more turned on your partner is the more pleasurable they will experience this. My opinion is that is certainly highly erotic for male and female partners and has nothing to do with being homosexual on the man’s part.

Much the same oral sex, male to female, has to be perfectly, woman unfortunately will remain very sensitive , in body and mind.
Maggie May 27 October 2017 at 12:03 pm
Thanks for sharing Angela. I know many women can sympathise with your view.
Cholin 24 October 2017 at 5:47 pm
I have been married for 36 years and Anal has been part of our sex lives from the day we got into sex with each other. Happened after we watched a porno and my wife loved it and we havn't stopped doing it. She actually has stronger orgasms fro anal than vaginal.
Maggie May 27 October 2017 at 12:05 pm
Thanks for sharing. It’s great that you both enjoy anal sex. Certainly many women report intense orgasms from anal stimulation.
Carolyn G 24 October 2017 at 9:32 pm
I love anal. Have always enjoyed it. Have wanted to experience double penetration and I will one day. My last bf enjoyed anal from me too. Even a double strapon. Now that was fun.
Maggie May 27 October 2017 at 12:07 pm
Thanks for sharing Carolyn. Double penetrating (DP) for me was so incredibly intense - in a good way - but certainly a luxury I indulge in from time to time not making a part of regular play. Hope you will enjoy it as much as I did!
JJ 8 January 2018 at 8:45 am
I agree to Maggie. Heard many negative view for before but it is amazing.
JJ 8 January 2018 at 8:43 am
I m a guy and me and my mate try with his girlfriend double penetrating. .it so nice and exciting. She also enjoy it. This is my first anal sex experience and it's really amazing. It's nice and natural. Heard about many negative message for anal sex but not true. I tried with my sister's friend recently.It's smooth and exciting. She also responded positively.
Maggie May 14 January 2018 at 7:50 pm
JJ - I think it's awesome that you have tried the vibrating beans and that y you enjoyed it. This part of our body is an erogenous centre and if we know how to unlock that door it is an energetic and delicious act to add to one's sex life. Personally I think life's too short not to try anal at least once. I am glad despite hearing some negative feedback about it, you and your girl still tried and enjoyed it. Keep having fun!
JJ 8 January 2018 at 9:03 am
Um some tips and my girl tried doubled penetrating but we don't invite extra man. We used double vibrator beans, insert in hers and my anus then we make love normal front parts...its fun..
Big red 25 October 2017 at 7:06 am
Loved your article. I always thought anal sex was wrong and had never tried or before. I'm in my mid fifties and had my first experience a few months ago. I loved it, I had the most intense orgasm. Start small with a little finger first, go slowly, it doesn't have to be full on the first time.
Maggie May 27 October 2017 at 12:09 pm
Thank you Big Red. I am happy to hear your first experience was a positive one. Great advice about starting small!
MrBlades 25 October 2017 at 8:14 am
I'm a guy and i am a firm believer that if you are wanting to poke your partner in the butt you should also be willing to take one up there yourself so that you know what they are feeling. Who know's, you may like it.
Maggie May 27 October 2017 at 12:09 pm
I couldn’t agree more Mr Blades!!
JK 29 October 2017 at 9:25 pm
Well written and informative. Thank you! The good, old anal sex remains despite the taboo and negative arguments. The only negative I see is resistance to something new just because it might shatter ones fragile sense of masculinity/femininity.
Maggie May 20 November 2017 at 7:29 pm
JK that’s a very interesting point about shattering one’s self of masculinity or femininity. Somehow a man or woman who take it up the bum are less of a man or woman because of this. There is so much meaning attached to what it means to give or receive anal and to enjoy it; most of it comes from outdated views about what is the “norm”.
Haylzzzzz 21 November 2017 at 5:33 pm
Until this year with an ex - I never liked anal. Because the first time I tried it it was so painful.

However honestly I absolutely love it now. That being said, (no pressure men), he has GOT to know what he is doing.
When he does...... it is the most intense orgasm you will ever experience. I understand a lot of women (myself included) are uncomfortable with it at first because you think its going to be dirty and messy. But its not, and once you get over that in your mind then you should be ready for a whole new world of sexual pleasure.
Such a shame its such a 'taboo' thing in many peoples eyes still, but wow are they missing out on something that is so euphoric.

Hot tip - if she is still a little uncomfortable and really unrelaxed going into it for the first time with you...... honestly the best way to keep her mind at ease and essentially distracted is keep rubbing that magic bean and keep on doing so through out.... that combination of double stimulation well I'm sure you can imagine... it has the potential to giving her the most earth shattering orgasm of her life.... and I guarantee she will keep coming back for more.
Andy 23 November 2017 at 4:01 pm

Agreed, prior stimulation is essential, in my opinion tongue is best, anal and magic bean, in this way there will be no hesitation in going the next level.

Maggie May 23 November 2017 at 5:36 pm
Andy I agree with you - when my partner has got my juices all flowing before hand then moving onto anal seems natural and easy. It is not so daunting and scary (yes scary it can be for many women). It is vital that men don't forget to keep pleasuring their lady's vagina and clitorus whilst they are having sex with her butt.
Maggie May 23 November 2017 at 5:33 pm
Haylzzzzz I loved reading your comment. I am glad that you have found a way to enjoy anal sex.

It is so important for the man to know what he is doing. Anal is not a hard and fast game, if he goes slow then things will go smoothly. Not forgetting the pussy or the clit is, as you so rightly mentioned, crucial during anal. Ladies shouldn't be afraid to play with themselves if he forgets - or take his fingers and put them on your clit. Or simply tell him. Having the lights off is also something that will help - there is nothing that kills the mood more than us girls looking behind every few seconds to see if there is any brown on our partner or on the bedsheets. Generally speaking, if you've emptied your bowel already and cleaned yourself properly, the anus should be relatively clean and there ought not to be any dark specks that surface, so having intimate lighting helps.
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