Whips and chains, leather and latex, high-heeled boots, studded collars and gimp masks… For many people, the idea of bondage and discipline involves all these things and one more…PAIN! Right…? Wrong! BDSM (the longer acronym stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism masochism) is simply an exploration of erotic sensation. Being blindfolded and tied up while your partner massages your shoulders and then drips hot wax on your back is a very different experience to visiting the dentist for that long overdue scale and clean!
Why bad sex is good sex
Sadly sex seems to suffer when people become closer and more compatible. We’re less likely to think about our own needs and get way too caught up in satisfying theirs! People love BDSM because it gets their motors running... It’s sensual, it’s sexy and it’s very seductive! It can be an emotional thrill and a great way to reinvigorate a relationship, as well as a deliciously wicked way to connect with a new partner and create intimacy.
And BDSM is probably more common than you think; experts estimate that one in five couples regularly dabble outside their normal comfort zone, and that one in 20 couples engage in some very serious sex play! So come on… Admit it! Aren’t you the teeniest, tiniest bit curious about exploring your kinky side? Well get ready to shelve your inhibitions and prepare for a serious lust injection with our beginner’s guide to playful bondage.
Beyond the comfort zone
Outrageously good sex sometimes means going outside our comfort zone. It’s all about balancing intimacy with excitement and pushing the boundaries for an exhilarating release from routine. For example, if you’re the type to lie back and take it, rather than take command, maybe its time to try something new!
Touch your partner before they touch you. Make your strokes firmer and more authoritative. Choose positions where you’re in control and direct your partner on how to please you. Break out of your predicable pattern of lovemaking and up the “kink” factor.
Incorporate these elements into your current sexual repertoire and then introduce some other, more risqué, activities. Above all, remember to balance all those lusty sessions with lots of love and emotional intimacy and you’ll transform your sex life to permanently perfect!
Fine line between pleasure and pain
When we’re aroused, our bodies process sensations differently, and sometimes a spank or a bite can suddenly feel sensational! But for many of us, the idea of going from mild to wild by dabbling in a little slap and tickle can be quite confronting. Communication and consent is the key! Remember you are in complete control
of how you act on your desires. And you have the right to change your mind
, or re-negotiate the rules at any time.
So how do you get started exploring BDSM? For many people, the biggest obstacle to introducing BDSM into a sexual relationship is bringing up the subject with their partner. Yet 40% of people who admit to being too embarrassed to talk about sex with their lover are also desperately dissatisfied with their sex lives! So congratulate yourself for being in touch with your fantasies, then take a deep breath and…talk:
Kick-start your conversation with a Yes/No/Maybe list… Test the waters together by writing down every dirty, naughty, far-fetched sexual act you've ever heard of, and then separating them under the headings "yes, I’d love to", "no, I’d never" and "maybe, if the time was right." You’re very likely to find you have sexual interests in common that you've never explored!
Then lay down the ground rules and set some boundaries before you begin. Discuss what’s off limits and what is strictly a no-go zone. Don’t ever agree to disagree because if trust is missing, it’s simply not going to work. Decide on a “safe” word which will allow you to withdraw your consent at any time if the action gets too intense. Make it non-sexual and easy to remember, like a fruit or a colour. Establishing the “rules of play” will not only put you more at ease, it’s also guaranteed to get you more excited about what’s going to happen when you do play!
Some people are afraid that if they consent to some aspect of BDSM play, they'll never be able to say “no” if they decide they don't like spanking or bondage after all. Other people are afraid that once they experience stronger sensations, they’ll want more and more. That might happen, but it's unlikely that trying out a set of nipple clamps
will be a one-way ticket to the dungeon and a full-time master/slave relationship!
Learning the ropes
Begin with a blindfold
! Blindfolds are brilliant for helping create the right atmosphere for role-play. A blindfold will hide any embarrassment and also increase your sexual awareness because when you close off one sense (your sight) you heighten all the others! When you’re blindfolded, you can’t anticipate what’s coming next, so you’re in a constant state of excitement…mmm…
Now step up the game by removing yet another sense – touch. Being tied up also appeals because it increases the suspense of sexual pleasure! You can’t control when someone touches, teases, licks or penetrates you and you’re “forced” to give in to their agenda. Being tied up and in control are mutually exclusive.
With the loss of control comes removal of responsibility, a gift that removes blame, guilt and inhibition, even more quickly than it removes clothes! And if you’re in the power position, you get the enormous kick or having someone completely at your sexual mercy – its spectacularly politically incorrect, which is why we love it so much!
adultshop.com has a great range of fetish sex toys including restraints
, many of which are secured with Velcro fasteners for quick and ready release. We have wrist cuffs, hand cuffs and ankle cuffs
all designed for giving yourself over to absolute pleasure – jump online or visit us at one of our eleven conveniently located metro stores to see them in action!
If you’re not sure how you feel about being tied up, test the waters by asking your partner to hold your wrists together above your head with their hands during sex. If you’re really nervous, ask you partner to begin by tying your hands together with toilet paper to give you the feeling of being held hostage without any threat.
If you prefer not to be tied down, you can always go the collar and leash
route – it’s a little more typical BDSM, but many couples find it infinitely arousing to be led by a lover to their fantasy come true! The leash can be then attached to a bedpost so that movement is restricted, but not totally inhibited. For people who find full immobility uncomfortable, this is a good alternative.
Some people don’t stop at tying up though – they assume even more power by gagging their partners as well, but this takes domination up a notch. Its one thing having your arms tied behind your head, quite another not being able to say, “Hey you, I’m bored with this, untie me now”! When you're ready to surrender control and give yourself up to your lover, adultshop.com has the perfect accessories to your disciplinary fantasies – jump online or visit us in store to see them at play.
But remember that during bondage, kissing, licking and sucking on your submissive is an absolute MUST! Why waste a moment of being able to savor every inch of your lover – teasing them with your hot breath, flicking them with your tongue, and nibbling at them with your teeth. Take advantage now because your turn is coming! Absolutely anything and everything goes – with a heavy emphasis on tease! Taking your partner to the brink or orgasm, time and time again, is a delicious way to bring your both to boiling point! Surprise your partner by using a kissable stimulating gel or balm
to excite their desire and heighten their pleasure even more!
And don’t forget to turn on a toy or two… Sex toys
in general bring an element of eroticism to the bedroom, but when your submissive hears that beautiful buzzing not knowing which body bit is going to be pleasured and pleased next – look out! Bullet vibrators
are the best because they’re the ideal couple’s toy. They can be used on any part of the body, from her clitoris and perineum to his nipples and everywhere in between! adultshop.com has a fab range of bullet vibes and more – check out our vibrator
and sex toy
departments for even more ideas and inspiration!
Undress to impress
You can transform yourself into Madame Lash simply by looking the part… Ditch the lace for leather – preferably in black or red. Think tight and clingy rather than loose and flowing: lace-up boots and corsets
, and the higher and spikier the shoes, the better! In saying that though, there’s nothing quite like being spread-eagled naked on the bed with your legs and wrists tied to the bedposts and your eyes covered by a silky blindfold
! The sensation of being naked also adds to the eroticism – it makes you as vulnerable as you can possibly be in that moment and BDSM is much about vulnerability! You’re now completely powerless to fight off whatever sexual delights your lover has in store for you when you’re tied helpless and horny to the bed! Trust me…
Brand spankin’ new
Spanking is a great BDSM tool to incorporate into a current sexual relationship. The best way to start is with your hands, so you know exactly how hard you’re hitting! Aim your strokes at the “fleshy” areas – the bum and thighs are the best body bits because they have meaty muscles that can absorb the impact. If your hands get tired easily or your lover yearns for a different sensation, try using a paddle or flogger
. Then use an ice cube to cool down the skin after a spank, before licking or rubbing the area with your tongue to provide your partner with a range of exciting sensations. Or contrast the slap of a spank with light, feathery strokes or kisses. adultshop.com sells a wide range of fetish sex toys including whips, riding crops and paddles
, each designed to produce a different level of sensation.
Clamp it on
are another great way to add stimulation while keeping your hands free to do other things! But they're not just for nipples! You can use clamps anywhere you can pinch an inch of skin. Look for adjustable clamps which allow you to control the amount of pressure exerted. And if you're using clamps on someone else, it's good to remember that the most intense moment is when the clamps are removed and the blood comes rushing back to the area – so be prepared! adultshop.com has a great range of vibrating and non-vibrating nipple clamps
– some are adjustable and others are designed for greater grip and…let’s just say…endurance!
The last word
Contrary to what some people may think BDSM is NOT about violating someone while they’re powerless to resist. The “art” of playful BDSM involves teasing and tickling, licking and sucking, and bringing a lover to new heights of ecstasy with basic bondage techniques. Everyone knows that when it comes to getting down and dirty between the sheets, it’s always a case of different strokes for different folks… Well with BDSM, some folks simply like harder strokes than others!
And always, ALWAYS remember the motto of the BDSM community: "safe, sane and consensual". While a BDSM exchange may look intimidating, communication and consent will keep you and your partner safe – and satisfied! The sky’s the limit when it comes to how sensual the experience can be, just remember to give yourselves permission to laugh (or quit) if the perfect “dream scene” isn’t doing it for either one of you.